Time Management When Everyone Is Depending On YOU

Many of my clients are single mamas. Some of them aren't technically single but feel like it in many aspects of their lives. Many deal with feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, and even depression at the sheer amount of work they feel they have to do just to keep their head above water. I know all about this. As a single mom of six for three years, I felt all the weight of the world. I remember going to bed dead tired every night, wondering how I would be able to get up and do it again the next day.

Now I have 11 kids, 8 of which live at home. I am the president of the young women's organization at church, fairly newly married, and am an entrepreneur running my own coaching practice. Although my days are different than they were and some of my responsibilities have changed, I still sometimes feel there are too many things to fit into my day. Time management has never really been a strength for me- I have been the "free" type that wants to be spontaneous and have flexibility in my days.

Here's what I have learned though. Flexibility is nice and all, but it doesn't get the job done. Why? Because sometimes there are things that need to get done that require mental focus and command, and if I am in the mindset that I want to be flexible, my brain is telling me a story of why I don't need to do that thing at that time. Where I see this most is in things that require me to focus, sit still and do something I don't particularly enjoy.

What I am learning about time is that we really DO have the time we need to do what is most important. And when we schedule our days and block out focused, set times to do certain things, we can enjoy the other times so much more! We don't have those pesky little tasks nagging at us as we try to enjoy "free" time.

One other thing I have learned and that I teach my clients is that it is absolutely essential to spend time every single day in something that feeds you from the inside out. Essential. When we have many people depending on us, we can become depleted and exhausted SO fast. Schedule those things FIRST. Do some experimenting to find what fills you up, and then do those things. When we put filling ourselves up first, we can handle what the day throws at us so much better. I find that when I know I have taken care of myself, I don't feel resentful when so many people are needing things from me. I met my needs first.

Another great tool in time management is giving yourself a limit of how much time you will spend on something. Need to make a meal plan for the week? Schedule it out and give yourself an exact amount of time to finish it. This way when you are perusing the internet for new recipes to try, you can pull yourself back in, get focused and make a decision because you know you have a time limit. This works great for tasks like budgeting, completing work tasks, or many other quantifiable things you may need to get done.

So back to my moms out there who are single and shouldering it alone. The more you can take budgeted time for yourself, give yourself time limits for the tasks you need to get done, and try not to slip into overwhelm, the smoother things will go for you. I promise!

My Business, Your Business, and God's Business

I have been reading an interesting book called, "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. It is a great read, and it has really opened my mind to new ways of thinking. One concept she teaches is about staying in our own business and what a gift we are giving ourselves by doing this. She claims she can only find three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours and God's.

So let's talk about the different kinds of "business" we encounter. First, my business. My business is things that are mine to figure out. Examples of this are how many hours a day I work, how I respond to others, what kind of parent, mother, wife, daughter or employee I am, how spiritual I am, and if I am showing up in the world the way I want to. Do I tell the truth? Do I show up in a loving way? Am I kind, do I work hard, and do I keep my commitments (whether to myself or others)? All of these are my business.

Now, let's talk about your business. This includes anything that is your decision to make. Do you have a job? Do you play with your kids? Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Why don't you text me back? All your business. When we try to get into others' business, there is an immediate effect on us. We can feel disconnected in our own life because we are so busy trying to figure out someone else's.

Finally, let's discuss God's business.  Byron Katie teaches this is actual reality, because it is out of ALL our hands. It just is. This includes earthquakes, when I or someone else may die, war, floods, etc. We can fret and worry about the way things are but cannot do a thing about them. This is God's business. Reality is also the choices of others. It is totally out of our hands. So we could also include that in God's business. Let Him handle it!

Now for some real-life examples.  I have a son that is serving a two year mission for my church in the Marshall Islands. He comes home in four months and will quickly jump into real life as a college student out of state. Sometimes I want to worry about how he "really" is doing, and wonder how his transition into "real life" will be for him after he gets home. I have observed that when I start fretting about those things, I feel anxiety. When I remind myself that he is an adult and that this is "his business" I can create a healthy space for myself. I can still love him and know I will support him 100%, but I will let him control his own business.

One of the concerns about his particular mission is he lives on tiny islands just barely above sea level.  If a big storm came through, it would completely wipe those islands out. I could worry about that, but it is not my business. It is God's. He is the only one who has any control over that, and I trust that if something did happen, I would be able to deal with it. But worrying and wondering solves absolutely nothing.

The only business we belong in is ours. Byron Katie had this to say about being in others' business:
"To think that I know what's best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety and fear. Do I know what's right for me? That is my only business. Let me work with that before I try to solve your problems for you."

Next time you find yourself worked up and anxious, do a quick check-in with yourself. Whose business are you in? If it's not yours, let it go, and go back to being centered within yourself. The best we can give others, after all, is our best versions of ourselves. You be concerned with you, I'll be concerned with me, and we can hand the rest over to God. Can I get an Amen!?

When Your Children Are Suffering

Six years ago this month, I was in agony over a major life decision and how it would affect my family. I had been married for 16 years and knew that I most likely needed to end my marriage. I had looked at the situation from every angle, talked for hours with my religious leaders, and prayed, prayed, and prayed some more. I felt I had some very clear direction about how to proceed but everything in me was fighting the answer. How could that possibly be the right thing to do?

Even though I understood intellectually that I needed to end the marriage, every time I thought about sitting my 6 children down and telling them their parents were getting divorced, my heart about broke open. I cried just at the thought of it.

On one particularity difficult day, I was on my knees pleading with Heavenly Father for a different answer. I did not want my precious babies to have divorced parents. It seemed completely out of the question. That could not possibly be okay, and I remember telling God that I had not signed up to get divorced, and my kids did not sign up to have divorced parents. As I was sitting there pondering, a very clear thought came to my mind. "Andrea, they were mine before they were yours and I love them even more than you do. This is part of their journey. Move forward." I could imagine Him saying, "You think I don't know how this impacts your children? You think I don't know what I'm asking you to do?" WHAT? This moment shifted everything for me.

Leading up to that moment I thought I was protecting my kids by believing divorce was out of the question for them. What I didn't understand though was that the very hardship of going through that trial was needed for their own growth, and their own journey through life. Why? I don't know. I have lots of questions but I also have a lot of faith that we are all a part of something much, much bigger than ourselves. Maybe they will be able to help children down the road who are struggling with their parents' divorce. Maybe they needed to go through that to build their own relationship with God at an early age. Maybe they will have struggles in their own marriages and will draw on their own experience for strength.

After I got that clear answer about my own children, it gave me the courage to take the next step forward. I went from feeling like it could not possibly be the best thing for my kids to a whole different thought: "Who am I to get in the way of what their life is supposed to look like?" To this day, that conversation was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was excruciating in every way, but I don't know that I could have had that conversation at all had I not understood that the decision was much bigger than me and the short-sighted vision I had in front of me at that time.

As parents we can spend so much emotional energy trying to shield our children from hardship and pain. It is our natural inclination to want to protect them. But what if the pain IS part of the plan for them at that certain moment when they are experiencing it? What if it is FOR them, for their growth, for their own personal journey? We want to control all the things that happen to our children because we love them and think they should not experience pain. But what if we could allow our children their life experience while still loving them fiercely? What if we let go of the need to try to control what their life is, and just love them through it? Can you feel a shift when you think of this?

Practicing faith in a bigger picture, a bigger plan, and a loving Heavenly Father orchestrating all of it has given me more comfort than I can express. It has given me peace when I have so desperately needed it. It has allowed me to let go of the suffocating grip of guilt, doubt, and worry so I can grab ahold instead on faith, hope and trust in a bigger plan. Sometimes loving your kids means allowing them to experience ALL of life. They aren't going it alone, and neither are you. They are stronger than you think they are, and YOU are stronger than you think you are.

How People SHOULD Be

Most of us, through movies, tv, the homes we grew up in, or other social conditioning think people should behave a certain way. Our husbands should be helpful, say gushy wonderful things, and have good-paying jobs. Wives should cook good food, be loving, soft-spoken and kind, and should be adoring mothers. Kids should be obedient, respectful, and grow up to have good jobs, and call home once a week. The problem with all of these expectations is that when the expectations aren't met, we end up disappointed, believing something went wrong.

Have you ever purchased a new appliance and looked through the manual? It tells us what the appliance can do, and warns us of what we should not do if we want to keep it in good repair. We often have manuals for the people in our lives too. Sometimes a big fat one. We think they should do certain things (and not do other things), and if they don't they must be broken! 

I am so guilty of this and am learning to throw out the manual. I have noticed I even have a manual for myself! A good mother should...and good wife should....on and on it can go. I have had manuals for what marriage should look like, how my husband should respond to things I say and do, and certainly manuals for my kids and what they should and should not do. 

Do you have manuals for the people in your life? What would happen if you threw it out? I'll tell you what I have noticed as I practice this. The more I let go of what I think SHOULD be and instead look for what IS, I notice things that I could not even see before because I was so concerned with the things I thought were missing. For example, my husband is sometimes not the most verbal person when it comes to communicating his feelings. I have fretted and stewed over this but when I let him just be who he IS, guess what happens? I notice that while he might not say certain things, he DOES many, many things that communicate his feelings. He is his own wonderful self, just as he is. He doesn't need to change for me to feel loved. I can let go of that manual and just enjoy being married to him. 

What about children? Does this mean we should have no expectations of them? No! It means we allow them to be who they are, teach them and guide them, hold them accountable, but without all the drama of thinking they should be different. Why is it a problem to think someone should be different than they are? Because they ARE what they are. They ARE making the choices they are making. So no complaining, whining or yelling will change anything. Instead, throw out that manual and observe how the people in your life actually operate. What if there is a whole hidden world in there you could not see before because all you were doing was reading that manual and not looking up at what is actually in front of you?

It is so liberating to think we can toss out what society tells us things "should" be and just allow relationships to naturally grow and unfold without forced expectations and requirements. What relationships do you think could benefit from tossing out the manual? How do you think those relationships could change if you were able to accept those you love as exactly who they are, today? I am so much happier as I lean more and more into this concept and toss the manual out the window. Try it out. Experiment with it and see what you learn about those you love. You may be surprised! 

Boundaries and Ultimatums

In my coaching practice, I work mainly with women who are dealing with infidelity, abuse or addiction in their marriages. Some of them are no longer married, some of them are. One of the things I teach my clients is the difference between setting a healthy boundary and giving an ultimatum. It may not seem like much of a difference, but I assure you there is a big difference between the two. 

An ultimatum comes from a place of trying to control the actions of someone else for you to be okay. With an ultimatum, you are telling someone that they had better ______ or _______. For example, they had better stop drinking, or you will send them to rehab. Or they had better stop viewing porn or you will make them go to a therapist. Or even something as simple as saying to your mother-in-law, "You had better not come over without asking first or we will lock you out." 

When you set a boundary, you are owning all of it. They are allowed to do whatever they want, but you make it clear what you will do when they do the things they do. It comes from a very different place than an ultimatum. Boundaries are like wrapping a big, comfortable hug around yourself where you know and honor the importance of keeping yourself safe, whereas an ultimatum is stepping out of your own comfortable hug and pushing into another's space. They don't HAVE to change one single bit- you simply make it clear how you will respond to it. It's like this: "I love you so much, and want things to work out between us, but if you choose to continue drinking, I will not stay at the house. I will leave." Another example is, "We love you and love spending time with you, but we want to know when company is coming over. If you want to come, we ask that you call first, and if you do not call, we will not open the door." 

Boundaries are generally hard for people to set, mainly because we are used to trying to "fix" other people, but have a harder time really speaking up for ourselves and taking full responsibility for our own actions. The truth is that we show ourselves AND the other person love and respect by setting a boundary. The kicker is that if you set a boundary, you HAVE to follow through with what you said you will do. It most likely will be tested, much like a child will test the limits in what they can get away with. Hold that line. Honor yourself, and you teach others how to honor you. 

What about setting boundaries for ourselves? My coach, Brooke Castillo, set a boundary for herself of never, ever talking negatively to herself about her body. Not ever. She learned over years of self-abuse that nothing good ever came from berating herself for how her body looked. I have set a similar boundary for myself about not stooping into self-loathing. No more. Not ever. I have taken myself to some pretty ugly places by how I have judged and critiqued myself over the years. When I find myself slipping back into old, negative patterns, I catch it and lovingly lead myself out of it. It is not appropriate to speak to myself that way. 

When boundaries are set from a loving place, whether it be between yourself and someone else, or just between yourself alone, they are very powerful and can really change how you feel about yourself. Showing up for yourself is the most powerful thing you can do. Why? Because you are telling the truth. You are honoring how you want to show up. You are honoring what is acceptable and what is not for you, and you are not demanding that anyone else change for you feel better. 

What boundaries do you need to set? What are you allowing that might need a gentle, loving boundary? What would you like to never do again in regards to how you treat yourself? I promise you will grow in leaps and bounds as an individual when you get good at telling the truth, and nothing but positive growth will come when it truly is from a loving, kind place. 

Would you like more help creating healthy boundaries for yourself? Set up a free session with me at: http://calendly.com/andreagilescoaching

The Blame Game And Why It's A Problem

Today I want to write about blame and why it's a problem. As a culture, we are constantly looking for someone to blame our troubles on. It was our parents' fault. It was that one rotten teacher I had in third grade. It was the rotten husband. Or the lousy boss. Or the dog. The list of people or things to blame is endless. 

I like this quote by Teddy Roosevelt because it reminds us where true responsibility lies...squarely with us. This used to really bother me. I used to think this principle implied I had brought into my life some of the hardships I experienced in my first marriage and that it was my fault he made many of the choices he made. That seemed totally unfair, but that's really what I thought this concept meant. To me, this is what it really means: Sometimes circumstances happen in our life that are just part of being alive. Our spouses can lie. Our kids can make choices we don't love. We can lose our job. Someone we love can even die. While we are not responsible for these things, we are 100% responsible for how we respond to them. It may sound cliche', but we can become better or we can become bitter. 

How many people do you know who feel life dealt them a bad hand and are pretty miserable? While they may not have chosen some of the events that have happened in their lives, they may be behaving in a way in response to these things that drives others away from them. They may act angry and bitter which could prevent them from intimate relationships. They may be difficult employees because they believe someone owes them something. And they can continue in the lie that's it's all someone else's fault. 

The closer we can really look at ALL our actions and what they are creating for us, the more we can go back and see what thoughts are driving all of it. Someone who is grateful despite hardships shows up in the world in a much different way than someone who is bitter. When we peel back the layers into our own behavior and truly decide to own all of it, true freedom is found. We no longer have to be at the mercy of anyone else's actions. We get to own our own. And the magical thing is that once we really own all of, showing up in the world exactly how we want to out of a choice to be our best selves, our circumstances often change. 

Where are you holding yourself back by blaming others? Can you crack the door open just a peep and look to see where you are contributing to your own struggles? That is where you will find your freedom. Once you see it, you can decide to change it. You get to decide exactly who you want to be, regardless of anyone or anything else. So amazing! So stop kicking yourself in the behind, and use those same feet to move yourself out of blame and into freedom! 

Can Anybody See Me?

Last summer my husband and I took our kids to a family reunion in California. The day before the reunion, we spent a day in San Francisco doing some sight-seeing. We had a 15 passenger van to haul us and the 9 of our 11 kids that were with us, and after a visit to Alcatraz, the kids ran off in a big herd to the place they thought we had parked the van. My husband and I chuckled as we knew they were going the wrong way. We got to the van with our two youngest with us, and watched as the kids realized they had missed the street, came circling back, and piled in. My husband asked if everyone was there, they said yes, and off we went to our next destination. 

In another area of town, we were standing in line to get ice cream when someone asked, "Where is Matthew?" I knew immediately we had left my then 12 year old son in the other area of town. We all piled back in the van and drove as fast as we could back to where we had been. One kid started to cry because she was worried about her brother, and my husband got mad at the kids for saying they were all there when they weren't (although really- that was on us not to count!). I felt so sick inside. I was completely silent that long drive back, praying with all my heart that my boy would be okay. 

When we got to the area we had come from, we pulled over on the side of the street and one group of our older kids got out to start looking. We kept driving around the block to try to find a proper parking spot and while still driving, I spotted him standing in the middle of an open grassy place looking very forlorn. I couldn't get out of the van fast enough. As soon as I could, I ran over to him and hugged him so tight. I apologized and told him it was an accident and made sure he knew we thought he was with us. His eyes were puffy and red- he had clearly been crying. 

After everyone's nerves settled and we were all back in the van and driving again, Matthew said, "First I started crying as bait. I thought if I cried, someone would see me, ask me what was wrong and let me borrow their phone. But then when no one stopped, I really started to cry because I was scared." 

Now to the point of this post...no one saw him. If they did, no one stopped. No one noticed a crying 12 year old boy was all by himself. It wasn't the fact that he couldn't find us that he got scared and cried, it was when no one stopped. No one paid him any attention at all. Aren't we all like this? We can feel totally lost but when someone sees us, acknowledges our pain, and lets us know they care, it sure can go a long way towards feeling safe, even in our pain. Like Mathew alone in San Francisco that day, it can be very scary and dangerous to suffer alone. 

So how can we all help each other out? Just pay attention and speak up. Notice. Look around. Don't assume someone else is taking care of it, or that they want to be left alone. If they want to be left alone, they will tell you. Our fears can become so much louder when there is no one to hear us express what our fears are. No, sharing does not always take them away, but it can help to know we are seen and valued. 

One of my favorite, most sacred parts of being a life coach is seeing the look on my clients' faces when they know I see them. I hear them. And even better, when they can see that relief is in sight. It's magical. We can all offer that kind of loving acknowledgment to others just by slowing down, noticing, speaking up and expressing love. One of my favorite speakers/authors, Brene Brown, said this recently: "My mom taught me to never look away from people's pain. The lesson was simple: Don't look away. Don't look down. Don't pretend not to see hurt. Even when the pain is overwhelming. And when you're in pain, find the people who can look you in the eye. We need to know we're not alone- especially when we're hurting." 

I am so grateful my son was okay that day. We can laugh about it now because nothing tragic happened and we were reunited. But I do wish someone would have stopped, let them use their phone and waited with him. It would have brought me as his mother, and mostly him, so much comfort. BE that person that stops. BE that person that sees.