An ultimatum comes from a place of trying to control the actions of someone else for you to be okay. With an ultimatum, you are telling someone that they had better ______ or _______. For example, they had better stop drinking, or you will send them to rehab. Or they had better stop viewing porn or you will make them go to a therapist. Or even something as simple as saying to your mother-in-law, "You had better not come over without asking first or we will lock you out."
When you set a boundary, you are owning all of it. They are allowed to do whatever they want, but you make it clear what you will do when they do the things they do. It comes from a very different place than an ultimatum. Boundaries are like wrapping a big, comfortable hug around yourself where you know and honor the importance of keeping yourself safe, whereas an ultimatum is stepping out of your own comfortable hug and pushing into another's space. They don't HAVE to change one single bit- you simply make it clear how you will respond to it. It's like this: "I love you so much, and want things to work out between us, but if you choose to continue drinking, I will not stay at the house. I will leave." Another example is, "We love you and love spending time with you, but we want to know when company is coming over. If you want to come, we ask that you call first, and if you do not call, we will not open the door."
Boundaries are generally hard for people to set, mainly because we are used to trying to "fix" other people, but have a harder time really speaking up for ourselves and taking full responsibility for our own actions. The truth is that we show ourselves AND the other person love and respect by setting a boundary. The kicker is that if you set a boundary, you HAVE to follow through with what you said you will do. It most likely will be tested, much like a child will test the limits in what they can get away with. Hold that line. Honor yourself, and you teach others how to honor you.
What about setting boundaries for ourselves? My coach, Brooke Castillo, set a boundary for herself of never, ever talking negatively to herself about her body. Not ever. She learned over years of self-abuse that nothing good ever came from berating herself for how her body looked. I have set a similar boundary for myself about not stooping into self-loathing. No more. Not ever. I have taken myself to some pretty ugly places by how I have judged and critiqued myself over the years. When I find myself slipping back into old, negative patterns, I catch it and lovingly lead myself out of it. It is not appropriate to speak to myself that way.
When boundaries are set from a loving place, whether it be between yourself and someone else, or just between yourself alone, they are very powerful and can really change how you feel about yourself. Showing up for yourself is the most powerful thing you can do. Why? Because you are telling the truth. You are honoring how you want to show up. You are honoring what is acceptable and what is not for you, and you are not demanding that anyone else change for you feel better.
What boundaries do you need to set? What are you allowing that might need a gentle, loving boundary? What would you like to never do again in regards to how you treat yourself? I promise you will grow in leaps and bounds as an individual when you get good at telling the truth, and nothing but positive growth will come when it truly is from a loving, kind place.
Would you like more help creating healthy boundaries for yourself? Set up a free session with me at: http://calendly.com/andreagilescoaching
No comments:
Post a Comment