A Jar Full of Feelings

The other day I posted something about thoughts and how just because we think them does not mean they're true.

It goes the same way with feelings. Just because we feel an emotion does not mean it's true, and it doesn't mean we just ARE that emotion.

Let me explain. Let's say I feel afraid of having a candid conversation with someone. I fear being rejected or dismissed. Just because I feel that fear doesn't mean I SHOULD actually be afraid as a protective measure. It's just an emotion I am having because I am thinking thoughts like "This could be bad. What if he thinks I'm stupid? I better not do that." We can easily talk ourselves right out of the thing that scared us, even if there was not real danger in the first place.

How could that person interpret this emotional response? They could take the experience (and let's be honest here- we ALL feel fear A LOT more than we let on) and make it mean they are just a fearful person. How do you think that person would show up in the world if they just believe as if it's a fact that they are a scared person in general? I am guessing they would be playing it pretty small.

Most of us have "feeling memory" where we have felt the same emotion and corresponding chemical reaction in our bodies so many times that it becomes our go-to emotion. We just believe it as a truth. It feels comfortable (even if it really is making us miserable!!). What if feeling inferior is your go-to? It would look something like this:

My kid had messy hair going to school. I am a lame mom. I am inferior.

I didn't get that job I wanted. I must be less-than (insert feeling of inferiority here).

Only two people came to my dinner party. I must not be cool enough. I am inferior.

Because your body and brain are so used to creating this emotion, your brain is constantly scanning for "proof" of its truth. But what if it's all a big fat lie?

I want you to try something with me. Imagine a clear jar and blank slips of paper. Write down on each slip of paper a feeling you have felt within the past 24 hours. Imagine putting them in that jar. How many feelings are in that jar? My jar would look something like this: frustrated, grateful, amused, annoyed, fear, doubt, determined, tired, interested, calm, busy. Yep, I felt all those things in the past 24 hours! I imagine you felt a lot of emotions too. Welcome to being a human!

I have a choice here with those emotions and so do you. I can identify myself AS those things (I could believe I am just an annoyed person, I am just a tired person, I am a doubter), OR I can look at them over in that jar and notice them for what they are...just feelings. That's all. They are neutral. I am me, and the things in the jar are experiences I get to have by being human with a human brain.

Here's the most incredible part. By being onto our feelings and what we most often feel, we can do some digging and identify what is causing those feelings in the first place. I promise a thought came first. That is true every single time. Sometimes we miss the thought because the feeling comes on fast and furious. When we identify the thought and see what thinking it is creating for us, we get all our power back because we then get to CHOOSE what we want to think- and therefore CREATE what we WANT to feel. Isn't that awesome? What do you want to feel? Do you want to feel confident? Creative? Smart? Think thoughts that create that emotional response within you.

I am not my feelings. I am me. You are you and you are a magnificent, perfect, whole, glorious creation that sometimes (and maybe oftentimes) feels certain emotions. But you are NOT that emotion. You are so much more than that.

Does Your Teen Yell at You?

Change can be crazy hard. Our family is going through a whole lot of it right now. Everyone is feeling it, and this week my daughter came home from a visit to see her Aunts and Uncles out of state and within a few minutes of being in the car from the airport, she started in on me about various things. 

We got home and I took her phone from her and oh- she was not happy. She came into my room full on yelling (some would call it screaming- ok- it was screaming) about how unfair I am, how no one in the family likes her, how unfair it is that we have to move, etc. 

I would not give her a reaction which made her even madder. I finally asked her to leave my room until she could talk to me respectfully. I told her I am happy to have a discussion with her later when she was calm, but I would not sit there in my own bedroom and allow her to yell at me. She finally left. 

She came back later with an apology and we had a calm, open, loving discussion. 

Now what does this have to do with you? Some of you live with spouses or children that have learned to have their way in how they speak to you. But guess what- you don't have to allow it. You can still love them, allow them to be mad, and also set a boundary for yourself. You also don't have to fix it. We are all here to experience all the ups and downs of life, and sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to sit back and allow our loved ones to work through their own struggles. 

It's ok to say no. It's ok to say, "I am happy to discuss this when you are calm and can be respectful." This is how you have your OWN back, and the magic in it is that you are teaching others how to treat you. They may have completely valid concerns and frustrations. That's ok. Nothing gets solved in the heat of the moment! 

Show up for yourself unapologetically. Own your power and strength. Everyone around you will be better for it. The more you grow this muscle, the easier it will be to set safe boundaries for yourself. In the case of my dear daughter, I am teaching her through my own example how to show up for herself. I want nothing more for my children than to learn to honor and trust themselves. You can be your children's #1 example, and your own #1 fan. Take care of you. 

Another Lesson From My Child

A couple of nights ago, my ten year old daughter was hovered over the toilet feeling so sick but terrified to actually throw up. Through her tears she kept saying, "I think it'll make me feel better but I'm just so scared!" At one point as I was sitting next to her on the bathroom floor, she asked me to pray with her. I offered a prayer that my girl would be able to be brave, and to start to feel better soon. She kept saying she was so scared, so I asked her what she was afraid of. "It might hurt my throat. I just hate throwing up!" Instead of trying to fix it for her, I asked her what was wrong with being afraid. Is it ok to feel scared? She calmed down a bit and answered that it wasn't that bad to feel afraid and that she was ok with it. After awhile she wanted to go to bed, and a couple hours later she woke up, threw up, and went back to sleep.

This got me thinking about how we totally freak ourselves out around perceived danger. We get ourselves so worked up that it can even make us more physically sick before than we were before! Think of having a bad headache. We are so anxious about going to work with a bad headache that we tie our stomach all in knots with anxiety about it, and we still have the headache! With my daughter, once she just settled into feeling uncomfortable, she was able to rest, and allow her body to do its thing.

Is there something you want or need to do but are tied up in knots about it? What if you just felt the fear, allowed the process to unfold and ripped off the band-aid? What's the worst thing that can happen? Can you handle that worst thing? I think you can. And think how much your confidence in your ability to do hard things will grow.

I have had lots of opportunities lately to feel very uncomfortable (we are in the midst of multiple life-changes) and am doing my best to just feel it. It's ok to feel yucky sometimes, and to move forward anyway. I'm grateful for the constant examples kids give us to grow and improve by their own examples of courage!

Mother's Day and Picking Myself Back Up

Today is the day after Mother's Day. I went into the day with some anxiety- wondering if I would be remembered and appreciated, wondering what my step kids would be like, wondering if I could be kind to myself. As many of you know, I married a widower. His late wife died on Valentine's Day 5 years ago. Every Mother's Day since we married almost 3 years ago, they go to her grave (which is just a few minutes away). The first year, I bought flowers to bring to her grave and went with them. Last year I went with them again. This time I stayed back, but I felt awful. Why?

The more I dive into my thoughts and beliefs, the more I see that I have spent my life handing over my own validation to other people. I let them tell me who I am, what I am good at, and that I am worth loving. This pattern has brought a tremendous amount of pain, as people are generally wrapped up in their own lives and no matter how well-intentioned, cannot possibly meet every validity-seeking need.

I felt this keenly yesterday. I wanted my step-kids to acknowledge that I have taken on the roll of Mom for them and to thank me for what I do. I sought their validation. I sought the validation of my husband and although he DID try to make me feel special, in my needy state of mind, I wasn't really believing the things he did do. Sometimes I want to feel sorry for myself for being the second wife, coming behind someone who has been put up on a pedestal of perfection. How can I ever be loved as much as her, and why is this so HARD?

I see more than ever that this is my work to learn. I teach it, and I see the need for it. The person that needs to truly, deeply and consistently validate myself is ME. Practice giving it to myself instead of handing it to others and either not believing it, not getting "enough," or not liking the validation I am getting. I understand that this is the most important work I will ever do, and the more I practice it, the more opportunities will come up to challenge myself within it! I believe yesterday was one of those days that reminded me of what still needs some work, and that I still have a ways to go (which we ALL do as long as we have human brains!!).

Today I am resetting. Remembering that my worth is not tied to anyone's thoughts about me. I am my own beacon of light, courage and goodness and when I measure myself up against anyone, all I am doing is weakening myself. I'm sorry, self. That is not fair.

I share this today, the day after Mother's Day to encourage my readers to remember to center back into yourself. Fear will tell you you aren't quite lovable, but real faith, love and TRUTH will tell you you are exactly as you should be- an absolute masterpiece. So let's brush off the dust, put band-aids on scraped knees, stand up straight and keep moving forward as the magnificent people we are. One day at a time.

Spaghetti or Lasagna?

When I was in 5th grade I was eating dinner at a friend's house when her mom asked me if I wanted leftover spaghetti or lasagna for dinner. My response was, "Oh, either is fine." She asked me again, and I gave the same response. Then she said something I have never forgotten. "Andrea, sometime someone is going to give you a choice, and if you don't choose what you actually want, they will choose for you may not like their choice."

I am reading Jack Canfield's "The Success Principles" and he teaches all about choosing and how it is our birthright. I think we tend to forget that. We have all kinds of reasons why we won't choose. We don't want to put anyone out. What if we didn't choose the "right" thing? What about the other person's feelings? Am I being greedy? Is it too much to ask?

What if it really IS your birthright to choose? What would you choose? If you made a list today of 20 things that you really, really deep down in your soul want, what would be on that list? Most of us live a life of default. We don't really WANT what we currently have- it's just how things have worked out. It'll do. But go with me for a minute of stepping into that space of who you really are and what you deeply want? What would change for you if you gave yourself permission to go after those things?

To start being someone who chooses and goes after what they want, start small. Do you want the window seat on the plane? Ask for it. Do you want more time with your kids? Say no to the things that may pull you away. Do you want time to yourself instead of being with the big group? Choose the time with yourself. Practice this skill. Constantly give yourself permission. Then, looking to your future, go backwards. If I want to live (pick a place) with ________ job, and ________ income, what do you need to do TODAY to start creating that? Pick those things. You are investing in the future of your dreams.

One question that comes up a lot when coaching on this is, "Shouldn't I just be happy with what I have?" They are looking for a deeper meaning of what it says about them that they want more than they have. But if you view the world with abundance, there is enough of everything to go around. We can be very grateful for what we currently have, and simultaneously want to up-level our lives to the things we want more of. Just because we want to! It is our right!

I have lived most of my life being a people-pleaser, not wanting to annoy, offend, be "high-maintenance," etc. I LOVE my newly developed skill of choosing! By experiencing results I don't really want by not being willing to choose, I have learned to give myself permission to say YES to me and the things I do want. You can do the same. So, do you want spaghetti or lasagna? You pick. I'll be having lasagna.

I'm Wrong A lot- And Why That Is Great News!

 I have been thinking lately about the fact that I am wrong a lot. Like sometimes I'll be missing a clothing item, am totally sure one of my teenagers took it, go looking for it, and find it in my own room. Or I'll be annoyed my husband didn't call me back, make an assumption about why he didn't call me back, and realize it was not at all like I thought. These sorts of things happen more than I care to admit. 

Being wrong is something most people do not enjoy. I know I don't. But I have realized lately there is something really big and important I am wrong about. It's this faulty belief that I have been carrying around for as long as I can remember, believing as true. My brain has found piles of evidence pointing to how true it is. This painful belief has shown up everywhere in my life- in my marriage, in my parenting, in how I lead, in how I show up as a friend. It's this belief that other people can do things that I just can't. That I am somehow less able. These sneaky beliefs can be so ingrained in our subconscious that it takes some time to realize they are there. We have to shine a light on them, see them as just an optional belief, and decide if we want to continue feeding the lie, or if we want to be wrong and develop new thoughts. 

I have decided to believe I am wrong, and that I have been wrong about this belief for a long time. It's just a thought- I can change it to a new thought. You know what thought I love? I am the one for the job. I am the one to be the mom of these kids right now. I am the one to be married to my husband. I am the one who needs to help and serve my clients in the way only I know how. I am the one who can learn the skills needed to create everything I desire. I AM THE ONE. Just like the other thought, this is optional too. But can you see how it serves me so much better? Just like before, my brain gets to work looking for evidence of how this is true. Our brains are very obedient that way! The thing is- because the old thought was there for so long, it has created a nice little freeway in my brain for itself. It is so easy to just return to that path. It requires lots of practice of the new thought to create that new neural pathway which makes the new thought automatic. It's fun to practice, and I know as I continue with the new thought, I will enjoy finding all the evidence to back it up! 

What if you are wrong a lot too? What are the stories you are buying about yourself (or others) that are just plain not true? What if the only reason they seem true is because you have believed the story for so long? Are you willing to be wrong? Are you willing to let your brain know you are doing something different this time and choosing a new thought? I bet you'd be surprised what you are wrong about. Start looking. Pay attention to your thoughts. They are subtle little stinkers! When you identify a thought you are believing as true, challenge it. Is this really true? Really? If you can't prove it to the point that everyone in the whole world would believe it, it's just a thought which means it's totally optional. Go find the ways you are wrong. It is so liberating! 

Photo by Andrej Lišakov on Unsplash 

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

30 Blogs In 30 Days

Today is day 30 of a challenge my coach, Brooke Castillo gave me to write 30 blogs in 30 days. I went into this challenge excited, wondering what I would learn, and curious if I would have any readers at all. I also had some hesitation about coming up with content everyday, and making the time to write. Especially since 11 of the 30 days I was traveling, mostly on the east coast, spending long days sight seeing with a group of high school seniors. One of my blogs was written sitting outside the 9/11 museum while we waited to go in. Some were written from a hotel in New Jersey, and some at the airport.

I learned a few things by following through with this challenge.

1) The posts that were read the most were the ones that were the most personal, especially ones about my kids. This confirms to me that we are all seeking connection- we all want to know we are not the only ones that struggle. When we can be vulnerable enough to share our lives with each other, we encourage each other along on our various journeys.

2) It feels amazing to keep your commitments, even when it is hard. Especially when it is hard. It was a non-negotiable to me to write each day, even though there were some days when I just was not feeling it!! We often encounter challenges where we can either quit or figure it out. I am so glad I decided to figure it out and get the blogs written!

3) I have something to share, and so do you. It has been the coolest thing to have moments of inspiration where I just know what to write. I think about my clients, what they may need to hear and go from there. I love knowing that even one person may benefit from what I share. That makes it totally worth it. And the thing is, YOU have something to share too. Every single one of us has our own unique life experience, skills, tools, and talents. People are just amazing. I haven't written in this form (trying to teach something) in over 20 years, and what a pleasant surprise to be not too shabby at it! What are you good at that you don't even realize? I can tell you that for years I have felt nudges to write, and to share. Now that I am doing it, I know why. What little nudges are you ignoring? What are you hiding inside you that the world needs to see? Try it. Make a commitment and stick to it. Out of commitment comes creation.

To those of you who have read and encouraged my blogging, I so appreciate it! Thank you so much. I will continue to write as I have so many more things to share. I truly believe in the power of the work I do, and want everyone to have access to it! I am looking forward to slowing it down a little, but truly am grateful for all I have learned by fully committing to this assignment.


Photo by Nick Morrison on Unsplash