Spaghetti or Lasagna?

When I was in 5th grade I was eating dinner at a friend's house when her mom asked me if I wanted leftover spaghetti or lasagna for dinner. My response was, "Oh, either is fine." She asked me again, and I gave the same response. Then she said something I have never forgotten. "Andrea, sometime someone is going to give you a choice, and if you don't choose what you actually want, they will choose for you may not like their choice."

I am reading Jack Canfield's "The Success Principles" and he teaches all about choosing and how it is our birthright. I think we tend to forget that. We have all kinds of reasons why we won't choose. We don't want to put anyone out. What if we didn't choose the "right" thing? What about the other person's feelings? Am I being greedy? Is it too much to ask?

What if it really IS your birthright to choose? What would you choose? If you made a list today of 20 things that you really, really deep down in your soul want, what would be on that list? Most of us live a life of default. We don't really WANT what we currently have- it's just how things have worked out. It'll do. But go with me for a minute of stepping into that space of who you really are and what you deeply want? What would change for you if you gave yourself permission to go after those things?

To start being someone who chooses and goes after what they want, start small. Do you want the window seat on the plane? Ask for it. Do you want more time with your kids? Say no to the things that may pull you away. Do you want time to yourself instead of being with the big group? Choose the time with yourself. Practice this skill. Constantly give yourself permission. Then, looking to your future, go backwards. If I want to live (pick a place) with ________ job, and ________ income, what do you need to do TODAY to start creating that? Pick those things. You are investing in the future of your dreams.

One question that comes up a lot when coaching on this is, "Shouldn't I just be happy with what I have?" They are looking for a deeper meaning of what it says about them that they want more than they have. But if you view the world with abundance, there is enough of everything to go around. We can be very grateful for what we currently have, and simultaneously want to up-level our lives to the things we want more of. Just because we want to! It is our right!

I have lived most of my life being a people-pleaser, not wanting to annoy, offend, be "high-maintenance," etc. I LOVE my newly developed skill of choosing! By experiencing results I don't really want by not being willing to choose, I have learned to give myself permission to say YES to me and the things I do want. You can do the same. So, do you want spaghetti or lasagna? You pick. I'll be having lasagna.

I'm Wrong A lot- And Why That Is Great News!

 I have been thinking lately about the fact that I am wrong a lot. Like sometimes I'll be missing a clothing item, am totally sure one of my teenagers took it, go looking for it, and find it in my own room. Or I'll be annoyed my husband didn't call me back, make an assumption about why he didn't call me back, and realize it was not at all like I thought. These sorts of things happen more than I care to admit. 

Being wrong is something most people do not enjoy. I know I don't. But I have realized lately there is something really big and important I am wrong about. It's this faulty belief that I have been carrying around for as long as I can remember, believing as true. My brain has found piles of evidence pointing to how true it is. This painful belief has shown up everywhere in my life- in my marriage, in my parenting, in how I lead, in how I show up as a friend. It's this belief that other people can do things that I just can't. That I am somehow less able. These sneaky beliefs can be so ingrained in our subconscious that it takes some time to realize they are there. We have to shine a light on them, see them as just an optional belief, and decide if we want to continue feeding the lie, or if we want to be wrong and develop new thoughts. 

I have decided to believe I am wrong, and that I have been wrong about this belief for a long time. It's just a thought- I can change it to a new thought. You know what thought I love? I am the one for the job. I am the one to be the mom of these kids right now. I am the one to be married to my husband. I am the one who needs to help and serve my clients in the way only I know how. I am the one who can learn the skills needed to create everything I desire. I AM THE ONE. Just like the other thought, this is optional too. But can you see how it serves me so much better? Just like before, my brain gets to work looking for evidence of how this is true. Our brains are very obedient that way! The thing is- because the old thought was there for so long, it has created a nice little freeway in my brain for itself. It is so easy to just return to that path. It requires lots of practice of the new thought to create that new neural pathway which makes the new thought automatic. It's fun to practice, and I know as I continue with the new thought, I will enjoy finding all the evidence to back it up! 

What if you are wrong a lot too? What are the stories you are buying about yourself (or others) that are just plain not true? What if the only reason they seem true is because you have believed the story for so long? Are you willing to be wrong? Are you willing to let your brain know you are doing something different this time and choosing a new thought? I bet you'd be surprised what you are wrong about. Start looking. Pay attention to your thoughts. They are subtle little stinkers! When you identify a thought you are believing as true, challenge it. Is this really true? Really? If you can't prove it to the point that everyone in the whole world would believe it, it's just a thought which means it's totally optional. Go find the ways you are wrong. It is so liberating! 

Photo by Andrej Lišakov on Unsplash 

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

30 Blogs In 30 Days

Today is day 30 of a challenge my coach, Brooke Castillo gave me to write 30 blogs in 30 days. I went into this challenge excited, wondering what I would learn, and curious if I would have any readers at all. I also had some hesitation about coming up with content everyday, and making the time to write. Especially since 11 of the 30 days I was traveling, mostly on the east coast, spending long days sight seeing with a group of high school seniors. One of my blogs was written sitting outside the 9/11 museum while we waited to go in. Some were written from a hotel in New Jersey, and some at the airport.

I learned a few things by following through with this challenge.

1) The posts that were read the most were the ones that were the most personal, especially ones about my kids. This confirms to me that we are all seeking connection- we all want to know we are not the only ones that struggle. When we can be vulnerable enough to share our lives with each other, we encourage each other along on our various journeys.

2) It feels amazing to keep your commitments, even when it is hard. Especially when it is hard. It was a non-negotiable to me to write each day, even though there were some days when I just was not feeling it!! We often encounter challenges where we can either quit or figure it out. I am so glad I decided to figure it out and get the blogs written!

3) I have something to share, and so do you. It has been the coolest thing to have moments of inspiration where I just know what to write. I think about my clients, what they may need to hear and go from there. I love knowing that even one person may benefit from what I share. That makes it totally worth it. And the thing is, YOU have something to share too. Every single one of us has our own unique life experience, skills, tools, and talents. People are just amazing. I haven't written in this form (trying to teach something) in over 20 years, and what a pleasant surprise to be not too shabby at it! What are you good at that you don't even realize? I can tell you that for years I have felt nudges to write, and to share. Now that I am doing it, I know why. What little nudges are you ignoring? What are you hiding inside you that the world needs to see? Try it. Make a commitment and stick to it. Out of commitment comes creation.

To those of you who have read and encouraged my blogging, I so appreciate it! Thank you so much. I will continue to write as I have so many more things to share. I truly believe in the power of the work I do, and want everyone to have access to it! I am looking forward to slowing it down a little, but truly am grateful for all I have learned by fully committing to this assignment.


Photo by Nick Morrison on Unsplash

Time Management When Everyone Is Depending On YOU

Many of my clients are single mamas. Some of them aren't technically single but feel like it in many aspects of their lives. Many deal with feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, and even depression at the sheer amount of work they feel they have to do just to keep their head above water. I know all about this. As a single mom of six for three years, I felt all the weight of the world. I remember going to bed dead tired every night, wondering how I would be able to get up and do it again the next day.

Now I have 11 kids, 8 of which live at home. I am the president of the young women's organization at church, fairly newly married, and am an entrepreneur running my own coaching practice. Although my days are different than they were and some of my responsibilities have changed, I still sometimes feel there are too many things to fit into my day. Time management has never really been a strength for me- I have been the "free" type that wants to be spontaneous and have flexibility in my days.

Here's what I have learned though. Flexibility is nice and all, but it doesn't get the job done. Why? Because sometimes there are things that need to get done that require mental focus and command, and if I am in the mindset that I want to be flexible, my brain is telling me a story of why I don't need to do that thing at that time. Where I see this most is in things that require me to focus, sit still and do something I don't particularly enjoy.

What I am learning about time is that we really DO have the time we need to do what is most important. And when we schedule our days and block out focused, set times to do certain things, we can enjoy the other times so much more! We don't have those pesky little tasks nagging at us as we try to enjoy "free" time.

One other thing I have learned and that I teach my clients is that it is absolutely essential to spend time every single day in something that feeds you from the inside out. Essential. When we have many people depending on us, we can become depleted and exhausted SO fast. Schedule those things FIRST. Do some experimenting to find what fills you up, and then do those things. When we put filling ourselves up first, we can handle what the day throws at us so much better. I find that when I know I have taken care of myself, I don't feel resentful when so many people are needing things from me. I met my needs first.

Another great tool in time management is giving yourself a limit of how much time you will spend on something. Need to make a meal plan for the week? Schedule it out and give yourself an exact amount of time to finish it. This way when you are perusing the internet for new recipes to try, you can pull yourself back in, get focused and make a decision because you know you have a time limit. This works great for tasks like budgeting, completing work tasks, or many other quantifiable things you may need to get done.

So back to my moms out there who are single and shouldering it alone. The more you can take budgeted time for yourself, give yourself time limits for the tasks you need to get done, and try not to slip into overwhelm, the smoother things will go for you. I promise!

My Business, Your Business, and God's Business

I have been reading an interesting book called, "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. It is a great read, and it has really opened my mind to new ways of thinking. One concept she teaches is about staying in our own business and what a gift we are giving ourselves by doing this. She claims she can only find three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours and God's.

So let's talk about the different kinds of "business" we encounter. First, my business. My business is things that are mine to figure out. Examples of this are how many hours a day I work, how I respond to others, what kind of parent, mother, wife, daughter or employee I am, how spiritual I am, and if I am showing up in the world the way I want to. Do I tell the truth? Do I show up in a loving way? Am I kind, do I work hard, and do I keep my commitments (whether to myself or others)? All of these are my business.

Now, let's talk about your business. This includes anything that is your decision to make. Do you have a job? Do you play with your kids? Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Why don't you text me back? All your business. When we try to get into others' business, there is an immediate effect on us. We can feel disconnected in our own life because we are so busy trying to figure out someone else's.

Finally, let's discuss God's business.  Byron Katie teaches this is actual reality, because it is out of ALL our hands. It just is. This includes earthquakes, when I or someone else may die, war, floods, etc. We can fret and worry about the way things are but cannot do a thing about them. This is God's business. Reality is also the choices of others. It is totally out of our hands. So we could also include that in God's business. Let Him handle it!

Now for some real-life examples.  I have a son that is serving a two year mission for my church in the Marshall Islands. He comes home in four months and will quickly jump into real life as a college student out of state. Sometimes I want to worry about how he "really" is doing, and wonder how his transition into "real life" will be for him after he gets home. I have observed that when I start fretting about those things, I feel anxiety. When I remind myself that he is an adult and that this is "his business" I can create a healthy space for myself. I can still love him and know I will support him 100%, but I will let him control his own business.

One of the concerns about his particular mission is he lives on tiny islands just barely above sea level.  If a big storm came through, it would completely wipe those islands out. I could worry about that, but it is not my business. It is God's. He is the only one who has any control over that, and I trust that if something did happen, I would be able to deal with it. But worrying and wondering solves absolutely nothing.

The only business we belong in is ours. Byron Katie had this to say about being in others' business:
"To think that I know what's best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety and fear. Do I know what's right for me? That is my only business. Let me work with that before I try to solve your problems for you."

Next time you find yourself worked up and anxious, do a quick check-in with yourself. Whose business are you in? If it's not yours, let it go, and go back to being centered within yourself. The best we can give others, after all, is our best versions of ourselves. You be concerned with you, I'll be concerned with me, and we can hand the rest over to God. Can I get an Amen!?

When Your Children Are Suffering

Six years ago this month, I was in agony over a major life decision and how it would affect my family. I had been married for 16 years and knew that I most likely needed to end my marriage. I had looked at the situation from every angle, talked for hours with my religious leaders, and prayed, prayed, and prayed some more. I felt I had some very clear direction about how to proceed but everything in me was fighting the answer. How could that possibly be the right thing to do?

Even though I understood intellectually that I needed to end the marriage, every time I thought about sitting my 6 children down and telling them their parents were getting divorced, my heart about broke open. I cried just at the thought of it.

On one particularity difficult day, I was on my knees pleading with Heavenly Father for a different answer. I did not want my precious babies to have divorced parents. It seemed completely out of the question. That could not possibly be okay, and I remember telling God that I had not signed up to get divorced, and my kids did not sign up to have divorced parents. As I was sitting there pondering, a very clear thought came to my mind. "Andrea, they were mine before they were yours and I love them even more than you do. This is part of their journey. Move forward." I could imagine Him saying, "You think I don't know how this impacts your children? You think I don't know what I'm asking you to do?" WHAT? This moment shifted everything for me.

Leading up to that moment I thought I was protecting my kids by believing divorce was out of the question for them. What I didn't understand though was that the very hardship of going through that trial was needed for their own growth, and their own journey through life. Why? I don't know. I have lots of questions but I also have a lot of faith that we are all a part of something much, much bigger than ourselves. Maybe they will be able to help children down the road who are struggling with their parents' divorce. Maybe they needed to go through that to build their own relationship with God at an early age. Maybe they will have struggles in their own marriages and will draw on their own experience for strength.

After I got that clear answer about my own children, it gave me the courage to take the next step forward. I went from feeling like it could not possibly be the best thing for my kids to a whole different thought: "Who am I to get in the way of what their life is supposed to look like?" To this day, that conversation was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was excruciating in every way, but I don't know that I could have had that conversation at all had I not understood that the decision was much bigger than me and the short-sighted vision I had in front of me at that time.

As parents we can spend so much emotional energy trying to shield our children from hardship and pain. It is our natural inclination to want to protect them. But what if the pain IS part of the plan for them at that certain moment when they are experiencing it? What if it is FOR them, for their growth, for their own personal journey? We want to control all the things that happen to our children because we love them and think they should not experience pain. But what if we could allow our children their life experience while still loving them fiercely? What if we let go of the need to try to control what their life is, and just love them through it? Can you feel a shift when you think of this?

Practicing faith in a bigger picture, a bigger plan, and a loving Heavenly Father orchestrating all of it has given me more comfort than I can express. It has given me peace when I have so desperately needed it. It has allowed me to let go of the suffocating grip of guilt, doubt, and worry so I can grab ahold instead on faith, hope and trust in a bigger plan. Sometimes loving your kids means allowing them to experience ALL of life. They aren't going it alone, and neither are you. They are stronger than you think they are, and YOU are stronger than you think you are.