A Jar Full of Feelings

The other day I posted something about thoughts and how just because we think them does not mean they're true.

It goes the same way with feelings. Just because we feel an emotion does not mean it's true, and it doesn't mean we just ARE that emotion.

Let me explain. Let's say I feel afraid of having a candid conversation with someone. I fear being rejected or dismissed. Just because I feel that fear doesn't mean I SHOULD actually be afraid as a protective measure. It's just an emotion I am having because I am thinking thoughts like "This could be bad. What if he thinks I'm stupid? I better not do that." We can easily talk ourselves right out of the thing that scared us, even if there was not real danger in the first place.

How could that person interpret this emotional response? They could take the experience (and let's be honest here- we ALL feel fear A LOT more than we let on) and make it mean they are just a fearful person. How do you think that person would show up in the world if they just believe as if it's a fact that they are a scared person in general? I am guessing they would be playing it pretty small.

Most of us have "feeling memory" where we have felt the same emotion and corresponding chemical reaction in our bodies so many times that it becomes our go-to emotion. We just believe it as a truth. It feels comfortable (even if it really is making us miserable!!). What if feeling inferior is your go-to? It would look something like this:

My kid had messy hair going to school. I am a lame mom. I am inferior.

I didn't get that job I wanted. I must be less-than (insert feeling of inferiority here).

Only two people came to my dinner party. I must not be cool enough. I am inferior.

Because your body and brain are so used to creating this emotion, your brain is constantly scanning for "proof" of its truth. But what if it's all a big fat lie?

I want you to try something with me. Imagine a clear jar and blank slips of paper. Write down on each slip of paper a feeling you have felt within the past 24 hours. Imagine putting them in that jar. How many feelings are in that jar? My jar would look something like this: frustrated, grateful, amused, annoyed, fear, doubt, determined, tired, interested, calm, busy. Yep, I felt all those things in the past 24 hours! I imagine you felt a lot of emotions too. Welcome to being a human!

I have a choice here with those emotions and so do you. I can identify myself AS those things (I could believe I am just an annoyed person, I am just a tired person, I am a doubter), OR I can look at them over in that jar and notice them for what they are...just feelings. That's all. They are neutral. I am me, and the things in the jar are experiences I get to have by being human with a human brain.

Here's the most incredible part. By being onto our feelings and what we most often feel, we can do some digging and identify what is causing those feelings in the first place. I promise a thought came first. That is true every single time. Sometimes we miss the thought because the feeling comes on fast and furious. When we identify the thought and see what thinking it is creating for us, we get all our power back because we then get to CHOOSE what we want to think- and therefore CREATE what we WANT to feel. Isn't that awesome? What do you want to feel? Do you want to feel confident? Creative? Smart? Think thoughts that create that emotional response within you.

I am not my feelings. I am me. You are you and you are a magnificent, perfect, whole, glorious creation that sometimes (and maybe oftentimes) feels certain emotions. But you are NOT that emotion. You are so much more than that.

Does Your Teen Yell at You?

Change can be crazy hard. Our family is going through a whole lot of it right now. Everyone is feeling it, and this week my daughter came home from a visit to see her Aunts and Uncles out of state and within a few minutes of being in the car from the airport, she started in on me about various things. 

We got home and I took her phone from her and oh- she was not happy. She came into my room full on yelling (some would call it screaming- ok- it was screaming) about how unfair I am, how no one in the family likes her, how unfair it is that we have to move, etc. 

I would not give her a reaction which made her even madder. I finally asked her to leave my room until she could talk to me respectfully. I told her I am happy to have a discussion with her later when she was calm, but I would not sit there in my own bedroom and allow her to yell at me. She finally left. 

She came back later with an apology and we had a calm, open, loving discussion. 

Now what does this have to do with you? Some of you live with spouses or children that have learned to have their way in how they speak to you. But guess what- you don't have to allow it. You can still love them, allow them to be mad, and also set a boundary for yourself. You also don't have to fix it. We are all here to experience all the ups and downs of life, and sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to sit back and allow our loved ones to work through their own struggles. 

It's ok to say no. It's ok to say, "I am happy to discuss this when you are calm and can be respectful." This is how you have your OWN back, and the magic in it is that you are teaching others how to treat you. They may have completely valid concerns and frustrations. That's ok. Nothing gets solved in the heat of the moment! 

Show up for yourself unapologetically. Own your power and strength. Everyone around you will be better for it. The more you grow this muscle, the easier it will be to set safe boundaries for yourself. In the case of my dear daughter, I am teaching her through my own example how to show up for herself. I want nothing more for my children than to learn to honor and trust themselves. You can be your children's #1 example, and your own #1 fan. Take care of you. 

Another Lesson From My Child

A couple of nights ago, my ten year old daughter was hovered over the toilet feeling so sick but terrified to actually throw up. Through her tears she kept saying, "I think it'll make me feel better but I'm just so scared!" At one point as I was sitting next to her on the bathroom floor, she asked me to pray with her. I offered a prayer that my girl would be able to be brave, and to start to feel better soon. She kept saying she was so scared, so I asked her what she was afraid of. "It might hurt my throat. I just hate throwing up!" Instead of trying to fix it for her, I asked her what was wrong with being afraid. Is it ok to feel scared? She calmed down a bit and answered that it wasn't that bad to feel afraid and that she was ok with it. After awhile she wanted to go to bed, and a couple hours later she woke up, threw up, and went back to sleep.

This got me thinking about how we totally freak ourselves out around perceived danger. We get ourselves so worked up that it can even make us more physically sick before than we were before! Think of having a bad headache. We are so anxious about going to work with a bad headache that we tie our stomach all in knots with anxiety about it, and we still have the headache! With my daughter, once she just settled into feeling uncomfortable, she was able to rest, and allow her body to do its thing.

Is there something you want or need to do but are tied up in knots about it? What if you just felt the fear, allowed the process to unfold and ripped off the band-aid? What's the worst thing that can happen? Can you handle that worst thing? I think you can. And think how much your confidence in your ability to do hard things will grow.

I have had lots of opportunities lately to feel very uncomfortable (we are in the midst of multiple life-changes) and am doing my best to just feel it. It's ok to feel yucky sometimes, and to move forward anyway. I'm grateful for the constant examples kids give us to grow and improve by their own examples of courage!

Mother's Day and Picking Myself Back Up

Today is the day after Mother's Day. I went into the day with some anxiety- wondering if I would be remembered and appreciated, wondering what my step kids would be like, wondering if I could be kind to myself. As many of you know, I married a widower. His late wife died on Valentine's Day 5 years ago. Every Mother's Day since we married almost 3 years ago, they go to her grave (which is just a few minutes away). The first year, I bought flowers to bring to her grave and went with them. Last year I went with them again. This time I stayed back, but I felt awful. Why?

The more I dive into my thoughts and beliefs, the more I see that I have spent my life handing over my own validation to other people. I let them tell me who I am, what I am good at, and that I am worth loving. This pattern has brought a tremendous amount of pain, as people are generally wrapped up in their own lives and no matter how well-intentioned, cannot possibly meet every validity-seeking need.

I felt this keenly yesterday. I wanted my step-kids to acknowledge that I have taken on the roll of Mom for them and to thank me for what I do. I sought their validation. I sought the validation of my husband and although he DID try to make me feel special, in my needy state of mind, I wasn't really believing the things he did do. Sometimes I want to feel sorry for myself for being the second wife, coming behind someone who has been put up on a pedestal of perfection. How can I ever be loved as much as her, and why is this so HARD?

I see more than ever that this is my work to learn. I teach it, and I see the need for it. The person that needs to truly, deeply and consistently validate myself is ME. Practice giving it to myself instead of handing it to others and either not believing it, not getting "enough," or not liking the validation I am getting. I understand that this is the most important work I will ever do, and the more I practice it, the more opportunities will come up to challenge myself within it! I believe yesterday was one of those days that reminded me of what still needs some work, and that I still have a ways to go (which we ALL do as long as we have human brains!!).

Today I am resetting. Remembering that my worth is not tied to anyone's thoughts about me. I am my own beacon of light, courage and goodness and when I measure myself up against anyone, all I am doing is weakening myself. I'm sorry, self. That is not fair.

I share this today, the day after Mother's Day to encourage my readers to remember to center back into yourself. Fear will tell you you aren't quite lovable, but real faith, love and TRUTH will tell you you are exactly as you should be- an absolute masterpiece. So let's brush off the dust, put band-aids on scraped knees, stand up straight and keep moving forward as the magnificent people we are. One day at a time.

Spaghetti or Lasagna?

When I was in 5th grade I was eating dinner at a friend's house when her mom asked me if I wanted leftover spaghetti or lasagna for dinner. My response was, "Oh, either is fine." She asked me again, and I gave the same response. Then she said something I have never forgotten. "Andrea, sometime someone is going to give you a choice, and if you don't choose what you actually want, they will choose for you may not like their choice."

I am reading Jack Canfield's "The Success Principles" and he teaches all about choosing and how it is our birthright. I think we tend to forget that. We have all kinds of reasons why we won't choose. We don't want to put anyone out. What if we didn't choose the "right" thing? What about the other person's feelings? Am I being greedy? Is it too much to ask?

What if it really IS your birthright to choose? What would you choose? If you made a list today of 20 things that you really, really deep down in your soul want, what would be on that list? Most of us live a life of default. We don't really WANT what we currently have- it's just how things have worked out. It'll do. But go with me for a minute of stepping into that space of who you really are and what you deeply want? What would change for you if you gave yourself permission to go after those things?

To start being someone who chooses and goes after what they want, start small. Do you want the window seat on the plane? Ask for it. Do you want more time with your kids? Say no to the things that may pull you away. Do you want time to yourself instead of being with the big group? Choose the time with yourself. Practice this skill. Constantly give yourself permission. Then, looking to your future, go backwards. If I want to live (pick a place) with ________ job, and ________ income, what do you need to do TODAY to start creating that? Pick those things. You are investing in the future of your dreams.

One question that comes up a lot when coaching on this is, "Shouldn't I just be happy with what I have?" They are looking for a deeper meaning of what it says about them that they want more than they have. But if you view the world with abundance, there is enough of everything to go around. We can be very grateful for what we currently have, and simultaneously want to up-level our lives to the things we want more of. Just because we want to! It is our right!

I have lived most of my life being a people-pleaser, not wanting to annoy, offend, be "high-maintenance," etc. I LOVE my newly developed skill of choosing! By experiencing results I don't really want by not being willing to choose, I have learned to give myself permission to say YES to me and the things I do want. You can do the same. So, do you want spaghetti or lasagna? You pick. I'll be having lasagna.

I'm Wrong A lot- And Why That Is Great News!

 I have been thinking lately about the fact that I am wrong a lot. Like sometimes I'll be missing a clothing item, am totally sure one of my teenagers took it, go looking for it, and find it in my own room. Or I'll be annoyed my husband didn't call me back, make an assumption about why he didn't call me back, and realize it was not at all like I thought. These sorts of things happen more than I care to admit. 

Being wrong is something most people do not enjoy. I know I don't. But I have realized lately there is something really big and important I am wrong about. It's this faulty belief that I have been carrying around for as long as I can remember, believing as true. My brain has found piles of evidence pointing to how true it is. This painful belief has shown up everywhere in my life- in my marriage, in my parenting, in how I lead, in how I show up as a friend. It's this belief that other people can do things that I just can't. That I am somehow less able. These sneaky beliefs can be so ingrained in our subconscious that it takes some time to realize they are there. We have to shine a light on them, see them as just an optional belief, and decide if we want to continue feeding the lie, or if we want to be wrong and develop new thoughts. 

I have decided to believe I am wrong, and that I have been wrong about this belief for a long time. It's just a thought- I can change it to a new thought. You know what thought I love? I am the one for the job. I am the one to be the mom of these kids right now. I am the one to be married to my husband. I am the one who needs to help and serve my clients in the way only I know how. I am the one who can learn the skills needed to create everything I desire. I AM THE ONE. Just like the other thought, this is optional too. But can you see how it serves me so much better? Just like before, my brain gets to work looking for evidence of how this is true. Our brains are very obedient that way! The thing is- because the old thought was there for so long, it has created a nice little freeway in my brain for itself. It is so easy to just return to that path. It requires lots of practice of the new thought to create that new neural pathway which makes the new thought automatic. It's fun to practice, and I know as I continue with the new thought, I will enjoy finding all the evidence to back it up! 

What if you are wrong a lot too? What are the stories you are buying about yourself (or others) that are just plain not true? What if the only reason they seem true is because you have believed the story for so long? Are you willing to be wrong? Are you willing to let your brain know you are doing something different this time and choosing a new thought? I bet you'd be surprised what you are wrong about. Start looking. Pay attention to your thoughts. They are subtle little stinkers! When you identify a thought you are believing as true, challenge it. Is this really true? Really? If you can't prove it to the point that everyone in the whole world would believe it, it's just a thought which means it's totally optional. Go find the ways you are wrong. It is so liberating! 

Photo by Andrej Lišakov on Unsplash 

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

30 Blogs In 30 Days

Today is day 30 of a challenge my coach, Brooke Castillo gave me to write 30 blogs in 30 days. I went into this challenge excited, wondering what I would learn, and curious if I would have any readers at all. I also had some hesitation about coming up with content everyday, and making the time to write. Especially since 11 of the 30 days I was traveling, mostly on the east coast, spending long days sight seeing with a group of high school seniors. One of my blogs was written sitting outside the 9/11 museum while we waited to go in. Some were written from a hotel in New Jersey, and some at the airport.

I learned a few things by following through with this challenge.

1) The posts that were read the most were the ones that were the most personal, especially ones about my kids. This confirms to me that we are all seeking connection- we all want to know we are not the only ones that struggle. When we can be vulnerable enough to share our lives with each other, we encourage each other along on our various journeys.

2) It feels amazing to keep your commitments, even when it is hard. Especially when it is hard. It was a non-negotiable to me to write each day, even though there were some days when I just was not feeling it!! We often encounter challenges where we can either quit or figure it out. I am so glad I decided to figure it out and get the blogs written!

3) I have something to share, and so do you. It has been the coolest thing to have moments of inspiration where I just know what to write. I think about my clients, what they may need to hear and go from there. I love knowing that even one person may benefit from what I share. That makes it totally worth it. And the thing is, YOU have something to share too. Every single one of us has our own unique life experience, skills, tools, and talents. People are just amazing. I haven't written in this form (trying to teach something) in over 20 years, and what a pleasant surprise to be not too shabby at it! What are you good at that you don't even realize? I can tell you that for years I have felt nudges to write, and to share. Now that I am doing it, I know why. What little nudges are you ignoring? What are you hiding inside you that the world needs to see? Try it. Make a commitment and stick to it. Out of commitment comes creation.

To those of you who have read and encouraged my blogging, I so appreciate it! Thank you so much. I will continue to write as I have so many more things to share. I truly believe in the power of the work I do, and want everyone to have access to it! I am looking forward to slowing it down a little, but truly am grateful for all I have learned by fully committing to this assignment.


Photo by Nick Morrison on Unsplash

Time Management When Everyone Is Depending On YOU

Many of my clients are single mamas. Some of them aren't technically single but feel like it in many aspects of their lives. Many deal with feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, and even depression at the sheer amount of work they feel they have to do just to keep their head above water. I know all about this. As a single mom of six for three years, I felt all the weight of the world. I remember going to bed dead tired every night, wondering how I would be able to get up and do it again the next day.

Now I have 11 kids, 8 of which live at home. I am the president of the young women's organization at church, fairly newly married, and am an entrepreneur running my own coaching practice. Although my days are different than they were and some of my responsibilities have changed, I still sometimes feel there are too many things to fit into my day. Time management has never really been a strength for me- I have been the "free" type that wants to be spontaneous and have flexibility in my days.

Here's what I have learned though. Flexibility is nice and all, but it doesn't get the job done. Why? Because sometimes there are things that need to get done that require mental focus and command, and if I am in the mindset that I want to be flexible, my brain is telling me a story of why I don't need to do that thing at that time. Where I see this most is in things that require me to focus, sit still and do something I don't particularly enjoy.

What I am learning about time is that we really DO have the time we need to do what is most important. And when we schedule our days and block out focused, set times to do certain things, we can enjoy the other times so much more! We don't have those pesky little tasks nagging at us as we try to enjoy "free" time.

One other thing I have learned and that I teach my clients is that it is absolutely essential to spend time every single day in something that feeds you from the inside out. Essential. When we have many people depending on us, we can become depleted and exhausted SO fast. Schedule those things FIRST. Do some experimenting to find what fills you up, and then do those things. When we put filling ourselves up first, we can handle what the day throws at us so much better. I find that when I know I have taken care of myself, I don't feel resentful when so many people are needing things from me. I met my needs first.

Another great tool in time management is giving yourself a limit of how much time you will spend on something. Need to make a meal plan for the week? Schedule it out and give yourself an exact amount of time to finish it. This way when you are perusing the internet for new recipes to try, you can pull yourself back in, get focused and make a decision because you know you have a time limit. This works great for tasks like budgeting, completing work tasks, or many other quantifiable things you may need to get done.

So back to my moms out there who are single and shouldering it alone. The more you can take budgeted time for yourself, give yourself time limits for the tasks you need to get done, and try not to slip into overwhelm, the smoother things will go for you. I promise!

My Business, Your Business, and God's Business

I have been reading an interesting book called, "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. It is a great read, and it has really opened my mind to new ways of thinking. One concept she teaches is about staying in our own business and what a gift we are giving ourselves by doing this. She claims she can only find three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours and God's.

So let's talk about the different kinds of "business" we encounter. First, my business. My business is things that are mine to figure out. Examples of this are how many hours a day I work, how I respond to others, what kind of parent, mother, wife, daughter or employee I am, how spiritual I am, and if I am showing up in the world the way I want to. Do I tell the truth? Do I show up in a loving way? Am I kind, do I work hard, and do I keep my commitments (whether to myself or others)? All of these are my business.

Now, let's talk about your business. This includes anything that is your decision to make. Do you have a job? Do you play with your kids? Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Why don't you text me back? All your business. When we try to get into others' business, there is an immediate effect on us. We can feel disconnected in our own life because we are so busy trying to figure out someone else's.

Finally, let's discuss God's business.  Byron Katie teaches this is actual reality, because it is out of ALL our hands. It just is. This includes earthquakes, when I or someone else may die, war, floods, etc. We can fret and worry about the way things are but cannot do a thing about them. This is God's business. Reality is also the choices of others. It is totally out of our hands. So we could also include that in God's business. Let Him handle it!

Now for some real-life examples.  I have a son that is serving a two year mission for my church in the Marshall Islands. He comes home in four months and will quickly jump into real life as a college student out of state. Sometimes I want to worry about how he "really" is doing, and wonder how his transition into "real life" will be for him after he gets home. I have observed that when I start fretting about those things, I feel anxiety. When I remind myself that he is an adult and that this is "his business" I can create a healthy space for myself. I can still love him and know I will support him 100%, but I will let him control his own business.

One of the concerns about his particular mission is he lives on tiny islands just barely above sea level.  If a big storm came through, it would completely wipe those islands out. I could worry about that, but it is not my business. It is God's. He is the only one who has any control over that, and I trust that if something did happen, I would be able to deal with it. But worrying and wondering solves absolutely nothing.

The only business we belong in is ours. Byron Katie had this to say about being in others' business:
"To think that I know what's best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety and fear. Do I know what's right for me? That is my only business. Let me work with that before I try to solve your problems for you."

Next time you find yourself worked up and anxious, do a quick check-in with yourself. Whose business are you in? If it's not yours, let it go, and go back to being centered within yourself. The best we can give others, after all, is our best versions of ourselves. You be concerned with you, I'll be concerned with me, and we can hand the rest over to God. Can I get an Amen!?

When Your Children Are Suffering

Six years ago this month, I was in agony over a major life decision and how it would affect my family. I had been married for 16 years and knew that I most likely needed to end my marriage. I had looked at the situation from every angle, talked for hours with my religious leaders, and prayed, prayed, and prayed some more. I felt I had some very clear direction about how to proceed but everything in me was fighting the answer. How could that possibly be the right thing to do?

Even though I understood intellectually that I needed to end the marriage, every time I thought about sitting my 6 children down and telling them their parents were getting divorced, my heart about broke open. I cried just at the thought of it.

On one particularity difficult day, I was on my knees pleading with Heavenly Father for a different answer. I did not want my precious babies to have divorced parents. It seemed completely out of the question. That could not possibly be okay, and I remember telling God that I had not signed up to get divorced, and my kids did not sign up to have divorced parents. As I was sitting there pondering, a very clear thought came to my mind. "Andrea, they were mine before they were yours and I love them even more than you do. This is part of their journey. Move forward." I could imagine Him saying, "You think I don't know how this impacts your children? You think I don't know what I'm asking you to do?" WHAT? This moment shifted everything for me.

Leading up to that moment I thought I was protecting my kids by believing divorce was out of the question for them. What I didn't understand though was that the very hardship of going through that trial was needed for their own growth, and their own journey through life. Why? I don't know. I have lots of questions but I also have a lot of faith that we are all a part of something much, much bigger than ourselves. Maybe they will be able to help children down the road who are struggling with their parents' divorce. Maybe they needed to go through that to build their own relationship with God at an early age. Maybe they will have struggles in their own marriages and will draw on their own experience for strength.

After I got that clear answer about my own children, it gave me the courage to take the next step forward. I went from feeling like it could not possibly be the best thing for my kids to a whole different thought: "Who am I to get in the way of what their life is supposed to look like?" To this day, that conversation was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was excruciating in every way, but I don't know that I could have had that conversation at all had I not understood that the decision was much bigger than me and the short-sighted vision I had in front of me at that time.

As parents we can spend so much emotional energy trying to shield our children from hardship and pain. It is our natural inclination to want to protect them. But what if the pain IS part of the plan for them at that certain moment when they are experiencing it? What if it is FOR them, for their growth, for their own personal journey? We want to control all the things that happen to our children because we love them and think they should not experience pain. But what if we could allow our children their life experience while still loving them fiercely? What if we let go of the need to try to control what their life is, and just love them through it? Can you feel a shift when you think of this?

Practicing faith in a bigger picture, a bigger plan, and a loving Heavenly Father orchestrating all of it has given me more comfort than I can express. It has given me peace when I have so desperately needed it. It has allowed me to let go of the suffocating grip of guilt, doubt, and worry so I can grab ahold instead on faith, hope and trust in a bigger plan. Sometimes loving your kids means allowing them to experience ALL of life. They aren't going it alone, and neither are you. They are stronger than you think they are, and YOU are stronger than you think you are.

How People SHOULD Be

Most of us, through movies, tv, the homes we grew up in, or other social conditioning think people should behave a certain way. Our husbands should be helpful, say gushy wonderful things, and have good-paying jobs. Wives should cook good food, be loving, soft-spoken and kind, and should be adoring mothers. Kids should be obedient, respectful, and grow up to have good jobs, and call home once a week. The problem with all of these expectations is that when the expectations aren't met, we end up disappointed, believing something went wrong.

Have you ever purchased a new appliance and looked through the manual? It tells us what the appliance can do, and warns us of what we should not do if we want to keep it in good repair. We often have manuals for the people in our lives too. Sometimes a big fat one. We think they should do certain things (and not do other things), and if they don't they must be broken! 

I am so guilty of this and am learning to throw out the manual. I have noticed I even have a manual for myself! A good mother should...and good wife should....on and on it can go. I have had manuals for what marriage should look like, how my husband should respond to things I say and do, and certainly manuals for my kids and what they should and should not do. 

Do you have manuals for the people in your life? What would happen if you threw it out? I'll tell you what I have noticed as I practice this. The more I let go of what I think SHOULD be and instead look for what IS, I notice things that I could not even see before because I was so concerned with the things I thought were missing. For example, my husband is sometimes not the most verbal person when it comes to communicating his feelings. I have fretted and stewed over this but when I let him just be who he IS, guess what happens? I notice that while he might not say certain things, he DOES many, many things that communicate his feelings. He is his own wonderful self, just as he is. He doesn't need to change for me to feel loved. I can let go of that manual and just enjoy being married to him. 

What about children? Does this mean we should have no expectations of them? No! It means we allow them to be who they are, teach them and guide them, hold them accountable, but without all the drama of thinking they should be different. Why is it a problem to think someone should be different than they are? Because they ARE what they are. They ARE making the choices they are making. So no complaining, whining or yelling will change anything. Instead, throw out that manual and observe how the people in your life actually operate. What if there is a whole hidden world in there you could not see before because all you were doing was reading that manual and not looking up at what is actually in front of you?

It is so liberating to think we can toss out what society tells us things "should" be and just allow relationships to naturally grow and unfold without forced expectations and requirements. What relationships do you think could benefit from tossing out the manual? How do you think those relationships could change if you were able to accept those you love as exactly who they are, today? I am so much happier as I lean more and more into this concept and toss the manual out the window. Try it out. Experiment with it and see what you learn about those you love. You may be surprised! 

Boundaries and Ultimatums

In my coaching practice, I work mainly with women who are dealing with infidelity, abuse or addiction in their marriages. Some of them are no longer married, some of them are. One of the things I teach my clients is the difference between setting a healthy boundary and giving an ultimatum. It may not seem like much of a difference, but I assure you there is a big difference between the two. 

An ultimatum comes from a place of trying to control the actions of someone else for you to be okay. With an ultimatum, you are telling someone that they had better ______ or _______. For example, they had better stop drinking, or you will send them to rehab. Or they had better stop viewing porn or you will make them go to a therapist. Or even something as simple as saying to your mother-in-law, "You had better not come over without asking first or we will lock you out." 

When you set a boundary, you are owning all of it. They are allowed to do whatever they want, but you make it clear what you will do when they do the things they do. It comes from a very different place than an ultimatum. Boundaries are like wrapping a big, comfortable hug around yourself where you know and honor the importance of keeping yourself safe, whereas an ultimatum is stepping out of your own comfortable hug and pushing into another's space. They don't HAVE to change one single bit- you simply make it clear how you will respond to it. It's like this: "I love you so much, and want things to work out between us, but if you choose to continue drinking, I will not stay at the house. I will leave." Another example is, "We love you and love spending time with you, but we want to know when company is coming over. If you want to come, we ask that you call first, and if you do not call, we will not open the door." 

Boundaries are generally hard for people to set, mainly because we are used to trying to "fix" other people, but have a harder time really speaking up for ourselves and taking full responsibility for our own actions. The truth is that we show ourselves AND the other person love and respect by setting a boundary. The kicker is that if you set a boundary, you HAVE to follow through with what you said you will do. It most likely will be tested, much like a child will test the limits in what they can get away with. Hold that line. Honor yourself, and you teach others how to honor you. 

What about setting boundaries for ourselves? My coach, Brooke Castillo, set a boundary for herself of never, ever talking negatively to herself about her body. Not ever. She learned over years of self-abuse that nothing good ever came from berating herself for how her body looked. I have set a similar boundary for myself about not stooping into self-loathing. No more. Not ever. I have taken myself to some pretty ugly places by how I have judged and critiqued myself over the years. When I find myself slipping back into old, negative patterns, I catch it and lovingly lead myself out of it. It is not appropriate to speak to myself that way. 

When boundaries are set from a loving place, whether it be between yourself and someone else, or just between yourself alone, they are very powerful and can really change how you feel about yourself. Showing up for yourself is the most powerful thing you can do. Why? Because you are telling the truth. You are honoring how you want to show up. You are honoring what is acceptable and what is not for you, and you are not demanding that anyone else change for you feel better. 

What boundaries do you need to set? What are you allowing that might need a gentle, loving boundary? What would you like to never do again in regards to how you treat yourself? I promise you will grow in leaps and bounds as an individual when you get good at telling the truth, and nothing but positive growth will come when it truly is from a loving, kind place. 

Would you like more help creating healthy boundaries for yourself? Set up a free session with me at: http://calendly.com/andreagilescoaching

The Blame Game And Why It's A Problem

Today I want to write about blame and why it's a problem. As a culture, we are constantly looking for someone to blame our troubles on. It was our parents' fault. It was that one rotten teacher I had in third grade. It was the rotten husband. Or the lousy boss. Or the dog. The list of people or things to blame is endless. 

I like this quote by Teddy Roosevelt because it reminds us where true responsibility lies...squarely with us. This used to really bother me. I used to think this principle implied I had brought into my life some of the hardships I experienced in my first marriage and that it was my fault he made many of the choices he made. That seemed totally unfair, but that's really what I thought this concept meant. To me, this is what it really means: Sometimes circumstances happen in our life that are just part of being alive. Our spouses can lie. Our kids can make choices we don't love. We can lose our job. Someone we love can even die. While we are not responsible for these things, we are 100% responsible for how we respond to them. It may sound cliche', but we can become better or we can become bitter. 

How many people do you know who feel life dealt them a bad hand and are pretty miserable? While they may not have chosen some of the events that have happened in their lives, they may be behaving in a way in response to these things that drives others away from them. They may act angry and bitter which could prevent them from intimate relationships. They may be difficult employees because they believe someone owes them something. And they can continue in the lie that's it's all someone else's fault. 

The closer we can really look at ALL our actions and what they are creating for us, the more we can go back and see what thoughts are driving all of it. Someone who is grateful despite hardships shows up in the world in a much different way than someone who is bitter. When we peel back the layers into our own behavior and truly decide to own all of it, true freedom is found. We no longer have to be at the mercy of anyone else's actions. We get to own our own. And the magical thing is that once we really own all of, showing up in the world exactly how we want to out of a choice to be our best selves, our circumstances often change. 

Where are you holding yourself back by blaming others? Can you crack the door open just a peep and look to see where you are contributing to your own struggles? That is where you will find your freedom. Once you see it, you can decide to change it. You get to decide exactly who you want to be, regardless of anyone or anything else. So amazing! So stop kicking yourself in the behind, and use those same feet to move yourself out of blame and into freedom! 

Can Anybody See Me?

Last summer my husband and I took our kids to a family reunion in California. The day before the reunion, we spent a day in San Francisco doing some sight-seeing. We had a 15 passenger van to haul us and the 9 of our 11 kids that were with us, and after a visit to Alcatraz, the kids ran off in a big herd to the place they thought we had parked the van. My husband and I chuckled as we knew they were going the wrong way. We got to the van with our two youngest with us, and watched as the kids realized they had missed the street, came circling back, and piled in. My husband asked if everyone was there, they said yes, and off we went to our next destination. 

In another area of town, we were standing in line to get ice cream when someone asked, "Where is Matthew?" I knew immediately we had left my then 12 year old son in the other area of town. We all piled back in the van and drove as fast as we could back to where we had been. One kid started to cry because she was worried about her brother, and my husband got mad at the kids for saying they were all there when they weren't (although really- that was on us not to count!). I felt so sick inside. I was completely silent that long drive back, praying with all my heart that my boy would be okay. 

When we got to the area we had come from, we pulled over on the side of the street and one group of our older kids got out to start looking. We kept driving around the block to try to find a proper parking spot and while still driving, I spotted him standing in the middle of an open grassy place looking very forlorn. I couldn't get out of the van fast enough. As soon as I could, I ran over to him and hugged him so tight. I apologized and told him it was an accident and made sure he knew we thought he was with us. His eyes were puffy and red- he had clearly been crying. 

After everyone's nerves settled and we were all back in the van and driving again, Matthew said, "First I started crying as bait. I thought if I cried, someone would see me, ask me what was wrong and let me borrow their phone. But then when no one stopped, I really started to cry because I was scared." 

Now to the point of this post...no one saw him. If they did, no one stopped. No one noticed a crying 12 year old boy was all by himself. It wasn't the fact that he couldn't find us that he got scared and cried, it was when no one stopped. No one paid him any attention at all. Aren't we all like this? We can feel totally lost but when someone sees us, acknowledges our pain, and lets us know they care, it sure can go a long way towards feeling safe, even in our pain. Like Mathew alone in San Francisco that day, it can be very scary and dangerous to suffer alone. 

So how can we all help each other out? Just pay attention and speak up. Notice. Look around. Don't assume someone else is taking care of it, or that they want to be left alone. If they want to be left alone, they will tell you. Our fears can become so much louder when there is no one to hear us express what our fears are. No, sharing does not always take them away, but it can help to know we are seen and valued. 

One of my favorite, most sacred parts of being a life coach is seeing the look on my clients' faces when they know I see them. I hear them. And even better, when they can see that relief is in sight. It's magical. We can all offer that kind of loving acknowledgment to others just by slowing down, noticing, speaking up and expressing love. One of my favorite speakers/authors, Brene Brown, said this recently: "My mom taught me to never look away from people's pain. The lesson was simple: Don't look away. Don't look down. Don't pretend not to see hurt. Even when the pain is overwhelming. And when you're in pain, find the people who can look you in the eye. We need to know we're not alone- especially when we're hurting." 

I am so grateful my son was okay that day. We can laugh about it now because nothing tragic happened and we were reunited. But I do wish someone would have stopped, let them use their phone and waited with him. It would have brought me as his mother, and mostly him, so much comfort. BE that person that stops. BE that person that sees. 

Is Worrying Useful?

As long as I can remember, I've been a worrier. What if? What then? As an adult, my biggest subject  of worry has been my kids. Will they be ok? What does it mean if they are struggling? My dad always said this to me: "Andrea, worrying is like riding a rocking horse. You can ride it and ride it and it won't take you anywhere." Oh, so true. As a recovering worrier, I ask- is worrying useful? Ever?

In general, worrying keeps you stuck in thoughts that are direction-less. They aren't really problem-solving thoughts- they are just thoughts that keep your brain spinning in a loop. A good question to ask when you are worrying about something is, "Will continuing to think about this solve the problem?" If the answer is no, put it aside. Trust the process of things working out. 

When we step out of worry and into problem-solving mode, we are interested in finding solutions rather than simply beating to death concerns we feel helpless to solve. As I am writing this, I am sitting at an airport in Baltimore. I have a layover in Denver, and then fly to  Great Falls where a big snow storm is supposed to hit before we land. The old me would want to know that we will make the connection ok, and that we'll get home safely (today!!). The new, "less-worried" version of myself isn't worried at all. It is 100% out of my control so why worry about it? If we get stuck in Denver, so be it. Not a big deal. It relieves so much mental strain to just let go of things that we cannot help. 

This weekend is my daughter's senior prom. Her dress was supposed to be shipped two weeks ago but we found out a few days ago it never got shipped and now it's too late. Prom is in 3 days and she has no dress. And I'm really not worried. We'll find a dress. We'll figure it out. I am not going to waste an ounce of energy being mad at the company, wondering if she'll not go to prom because she has nothing to wear...I know we will figure something out and she will look beautiful.  Why waist energy being negative about it when that will accomplish absolutely nothing toward getting her a dress to wear? The only thing that will help is actually finding a dress. We're working on it! 

The Savior himself had a few things to teach about worry. In Matthew 6:7, He says, "Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit (18 inches) unto his stature?" He understood (of course!) that we would be inclined to worry and warned us to avoid it. Really, worrying is the opposite of having faith. Faith says, "It will work out." Worry says, "How??!!" Faith says, "It's all happening for a reason." Worry says, "How can this possibly be okay?" 

I would be lying if I said I am completely cured from worrying, but as I dig deeper into thought work and shifting my thinking patterns, the more I am releasing the need to worry. It has proven to be completely useless, and often very harmful for me. It can get me so worked up into an anxious tizzy and brings no solutions. 

If you are a worrier, next time you find yourself worrying, check in with yourself and make sure you like your reason for worrying. If you don't, put your adult, "This will work out" hat on, and trust that it really will be ok. Things work out. Worry just prolongs and adds to problems. It never solves them. I love what Mark Twain had to say about worry, "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe." Don't waste one more ounce of precious brain space worrying!

Julie's Side of The Story

A few days ago I shared the story of the day I found out my first husband passed away and the angel that showed up to help me. With Julie's permission, I am sharing what happened that day from her perspective. We both pray someone can feel loved and uplifted by the reminder that none of us are alone here. Here is Julie's story:

Andrea asked that I share my story. What is it that touches so many readers each time that our story is shared? I believe it is because we are spiritual beings who recognize the power of God’s love. It is our spirit remembering that we are children of God and realizing the power that comes from His love for us, desiring it in our lives and wanting to share that love with others.

It is not because I am so wonderful; nor do I desire attention drawn to me. So before I tell my story, let me start off with saying that I am just an ordinary person. I am your mother, your daughter and your sister. I am your neighbor and friend; I am you. I am the woman who doubts herself at times yet never doubts. I am the woman who is fearful, but is also courageous. I am shy and inarticulate but who speaks boldly at times. I am a woman who experiences joy and sadness; I am one who has a wonderful marriage and one who has gone to counseling because there were times of struggle. I am the woman who has given birth to beautiful babies and lost a sweet angel in miscarriage. I am one who loves life and the brightness of day and yet has felt the struggles of depression and anxiety with the darkness that comes with it. I am mortal born with an eternal spirit. I am ordinary.

This story actually began years ago when I was on the receiving end of someone’s kindness. Living where I do also means we get to do a lot of travelling to get anywhere. Most of my travel takes me between my home and Salt Lake City and on one trip I was travelling with my six children and had car troubles while crossing the salt flats. I remember praying that someone might stop and help us. I also remember being concerned in this day and age about whom that someone might be so I prayed again that the right person would stop and help us. Not too long after, a man stopped and helped us get the broken rear door open so that we could get the spare tire out and change the flat. We arranged to meet in Wendover at a tire shop and he took my flat tire ahead to get it repaired. When I arrived in Wendover, the man had actually bought two new tires for us.  That really meant a lot to me that someone would not only stop and help, but go the extra mile. He saw a need and he acted on it. 

From that time on, I decided that I would try to be aware of people who needed my help. I also recognized that sometimes stopping and helping is not always the right thing for safety reasons so I always made it a matter of prayer. Whenever I see that someone is pulled over up ahead I say a prayer that if this person needs my help that I will know. As I drive by I observe the situation. Many times I have seen people just pulled over to talk on their cell phone, or there is someone already stopped and helping or it’s a man who is already changing a flat tire. In these cases, there’s not been prompting to act. 

Once while I was making another trip back from Salt Lake, I saw a van pulled over and as my habit, I said a little prayer that if I should stop, I would know. As I drove by I was observing and listening for direction. I saw a woman on her cell phone clearly distraught. I didn’t even question it, but acted on the prompting that I should stop and instantly pulled over to ask if there was anything I could do. She told me she had just received news that the father of her six kids who were in the car had been killed in an accident.  I told her that if she were up to it, she could follow me to Elko where my husband was working, and he could give her a blessing.  I called Sam ahead of time to know what to expect and when we arrived he and a friend were able to give her a blessing. Her children didn’t want to get out of the car. They didn’t know what was going on and were very insecure. I offered to take her to our home if she wanted so that she could figure out what to do and she decided that would be best. She needed to make some more phone calls so I went to the car to try and help the kids feel more comfortable. I said another quick little prayer to ask the Lord to help me know how else to help the children. The thought instantly came to my mind that they would feel more comfortable knowing that I was a member of the church.  I asked them, “Are you members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?” and they all said, “Yes”.  I then told them that Heavenly Father had told me to stop and help their mom and that we would be taking them to our home and that they didn’t need to worry about that because Heavenly Father was watching over them. It was an amazing transformation. It was like we became their family. The 5 year old twin who had a broken leg went into Sam’s arms and there was an instant connection. The six kids ranging in ages from 15-5 got out of the car and started eating the popsicles that Sam had run to the store to pick up for them once he knew they were coming.  

 

When we got to our home the kids felt right at home and started playing with our family while their mom informed more people about what was going on. Finally, Andrea gathered her children and told them the terrible news. Later as they came up from the basement they seemed to appreciate being able to distract themselves with their new friends. By now it was late in the afternoon and they had a long drive ahead of them so I offered for them to spend the night. I made us all dinner and enjoyed just being together. That night I talked to Sam about the possibility of me helping her get the rest of the way home and we both agreed that if Andrea needed my help that I could do that. In the morning, I asked Andrea how she slept. She hadn’t slept at all and was still worried about making the drive so I told her that I would drive her and her family home. So we all loaded up and headed to San Jose. Andrea really appreciated it as well as her family and friends because they were so worried about her. When we got to San Jose, she dropped me off at the airport for my flight to Salt Lake City and drove home where the Relief Society had dinner waiting for them. It was very clear to me that the Lord had a hand in all of it and loved this family so much he made sure they were taken care of. 

 

I have thought a lot about this experience through the years.  I was asked numerous times about how I knew to stop. As I really considered this question, I realized that over the years I had developed a pattern. I would pray, observe, listen and then act on promptings I received. Sometimes I would act on promptings and there wouldn’t be any immediate or obvious blessings by having done so, but many times as on this occasion, I saw how the Holy Ghost was directing me.

 

All of us can use the simple pattern I used on that drive home from Salt Lake City every day. We can pray for guidance to know who needs our help. It doesn’t need to be large and heroic deeds, but simple acts of kindness and service. In this experience it is was the simple acts of following a prompting, offering reassurance and a priesthood blessing, popsicles for the kids, giving the girls stuffed animals, playing calming music on the piano, playing games, offering our friendship and love and thinking of ways to go the extra mile that made the difference. We can observe. Making observations will help us decide how we can help. It is so easy to get caught up in our busy lives, rushing here and there that we neglect to be thoughtful of those around us. We can listen. Listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost and then act on those promptings. It truly does make a difference in people’s lives.

 “Along your pathway of life you will observe that you are not the only traveler. There are others who need your help. There are feet to steady, hands to grasp, minds to encourage, hearts to inspire and souls to save.”  - Thomas S. Monson

 

I feel that I was the one who was truly blessed by this experience. It strengthened my testimony of a Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and their love for me personally. That love has helped me through some difficult times in my own life as I reflect on His love for me personally. Extraordinary people have been placed in my path who have blessed my life when I needed it. 

 

We are all ordinary in an extraordinary way! It is with God’s immense love that it is possible!!

Thank you, Julie for sharing with all of us! I love you! 

More On Feelings and What We Do With Them

I shared in a blog a couple of weeks ago some things about where feelings come from, and the importance of allowing them. Today I want to dive into what most of us do with feelings in hopes that it can help my readers identify within themselves what their go-to responses are. Awareness is HUGE! We can't really change anything in our lives until we are aware of what we are doing!! 

First things first- let me reiterate that feelings come from a thought. But sometimes the thought is so fast before an emotional response that we don't even know what the thought was. Also, thoughts that are believed for a long time become subconscious. They are just there and our brains recognize them as facts rather than simply optional thoughts. 

So let's say someone says something to you that brings up a thought like, "What is wrong with them!!??" You will most likely respond in one of three ways unless you are pretty good at processing feelings. 

1) Reacting. This looks like throwing things, yelling, blaming, stomping, hitting, screaming, etc. You get the idea. Your mind is trying to tell you it is completely someone else's fault that you are mad. 

2) Resisting. This looks like pushing away from the emotion. Imagine a blown up beach ball and trying to shove it under water. The more you push, the harder it will become to get that ball under the water. Or imagine trying with all your might to keep a door shut to an emotion you do not want to let in. 

3) Avoiding. This looks like numbing out the emotion. Rather than giving any attention at all to the emotion, you would eat, smoke, drink, gamble, play video games, or watch endless hours of Netflix. Anything to just not deal with it or actually feel it. 

While we all experience all of these responses at various times, we can have some we do more than others. Me? I can be a reactor. I'm really working on it. There is an alternative though-something we can do that actually allows the emotion to be felt and processed so it can move on. I imagine it like a rain cloud that comes in, need to allow some rain, lightens and moves on. No harm, right? We can allow the feeling to stay- identity the feeling, find where it is in your body, be curious about what thought created it, and it will lift. 

The better we get at allowing feelings and just sitting in them, the better we will get at feeling any emotion. Be the watcher of your thoughts. Be the watcher of your feelings. What are your predominant feelings? This gives you a big clue into what your driving, predominant thoughts are. What is your go-to response to feelings? 

I continue to do this work right along with my clients. Just like any new skill, it needs to be practiced until it becomes automatic to just feel your feelings. Just keep at it and you'll find yourself in a whole new emotional state, just by seeing what is going on and allowing whatever comes up. It is so powerful. 

The Phantom and Compassion

When I was a sophomore in high school, I got to travel to Portland, Oregon with the theater students and see the musical, “The Phantom of the Opera” for the first time. I was in the nose-bleed section but I could have been in the front row and would not have loved it more. It was the most amazing, beautiful thing I had seen up to that point in my life and the story haunted me. I went home and read the original novel by Gaston Leroux at least twice. I read every other book I could find with various interpretations of the Phantom and his life.

Two nights ago I got to take my two senior daughters to see it on Broadway in New York as we are here for a school trip. Even though it was my 4th time seeing it, I will never grow tired of it. The music, the set, the story. Gets me every time. I was so delighted that they both loved it. 

When you think about it, the Phantom is pretty creepy. He seduces and confuses young Christine, wreaks havoc at the opera house, and even kills people in his attempt to get what he wants. But the real reason I love the play is because of the other side we see of him- his humanity. His tender heart, his desire to be loved, his pain at being loathed his entire life. 

Even though this is just a fictional story, something I firmly believe about people is that when we get the whole story of why people are the way they are, we can show a whole lot more compassion to them. In this example of the Phantom, he sings to Christine these words, “This face which earned a mother’s fear and loathing, a mask, my first unfeeling scrap of clothing.” He was treated with disgust from the day he was born. He wanted love and approval, just like the rest of us. 

You could say the Phantom was abusing Christine. Certainly he was manipulating her. Feeling compassion and understanding are one thing, allowing the manipulation is another. Ultimately Christine left him and went on to live a seemingly happy life with another man. The thing with having compassion though is it allows us to forgive and love, even if we cannot stay in a relationship because it would be unhealthy to do so. 

It may be a little cheesy to write a whole post about a fictional story, but it has always been special to me. I love hearing the stories of those that aren't often heard. I try to be a person that listens to those not many will listen to. I think we can learn a lot from the "outcasts" of society. There are always, always two sides to every story, and I believe anyone can change, especially when loved. 

Whether you are a Phantom fan or not, if there is someone difficult in your life, maybe get curious about them. Why might they act the way they do? What might it feel like to be them and live the way they do? Curiosity can lead to empathy, and empathy can lead to kindness. And being treated with kindness can change someone's life, and most of all, it can change yours.  

A Lesson From Babies

Have you ever witnessed the miracle of watching a child learn to walk?  They start out completely weak and helpless- they can’t hold their head up, can’t feed themselves at all and depend on parents for every need. Then within a year or so they are off the ground and walking. Amazing!!

Here’s the thing about babies that I find remarkable. They can fall down a thousand times, get banged and bruised but know they are meant for greater things than crawling. So they keep trying until they walk. Imagine a baby thinking, “Nah, I don’t feel like walking. It’s too hard. I’ll stick to crawling.” The idea is ridiculous!

What if we treated our goals like babies treat walking? The focus would not be on how hard it is, or how long it might take. It would just be a given that one way or another, the job will get done and you will walk. We tend to get so caught up in what we make things mean if they don’t work exactly how we think they should. When we can go into something expecting to make mistakes and to sometimes miss the mark, “failing” feels a whole lot less painful.

If there is something you really really want, as much as a baby wants to walk, go all in on yourself. Falling and getting bruised means nothing unless you give it meaning. They are simply bumps on the path to success. If you don’t give up, you WILL learn to walk (or whatever is is you so desire!!). Figure out what you want most, make a game plan of how you will accomplish it, and start practicing. You’ll get there!

The Day I Met Julie

I want to share a story that is personal but one that I hope brings comfort to anyone who needs it today. Many of you have likely heard this story but it’s one worth sharing again. 

Nearly five years ago, I was driving my 6 children from Utah where we had been visiting back to California where we lived. It was a 13 hour drive and we were 4 hours into the drive. An unknown number kept calling from San Jose- I had ignored it several times but finally decided to pick up the phone. After saying hello, the woman on the other end delivered news that one can never really prepare for: my husband of 16 years and father of my 6 kids had been killed in a car accident that morning. Although we had been divorced for 7 months at the time of his death, it was still a heartbreaking shock. 

I was in the middle of the desert with absolutely no sign of civilization in sight. I pulled over to the side of the road, got out of the car and stood on the side of the freeway in disbelief. I kept the lady on the phone, asking for any information she could give me. 

I remember so distinctly what I was thinking in that moment. I saw my 6 babies in the car, knowing that their life had been changed forever, even if they did not yet know. I felt despair, fear and shock. Despair at literally being alone in the desert, 9 hours from home. Fear at seeing my kids in the car and wondering how I could possibly be 100% responsible for them- how would we be ok? Shock and sadness at the thought that I would never see him again in this life. 

As I was standing on the side of the freeway trying to wrap my head around what I had been told, a car pulled over. A woman got out of the car, walked right up to my face and said, “I am here, for whatever you need, I am here.” I told her what I had just learned and she immediately offered for me to follow her to her husband’s work where I could make phone calls, and her husband could give me a special blessing for strength and comfort. She had no idea who I was or what my religious beliefs were but her offer immediately brought me comfort. She then offered for me to come to her home and stay for as long as I needed. 

It is hard to articulate in words what her presence and offer meant to me. It was everything. If God himself were standing in front of me, I believe this is what He would have said: “Andrea, I know what is happening right now. I know this is hard, but you will be ok. Get back in the car and keep going.” I KNEW in that moment that we were being looked out for. I knew we would be ok. 

I took her up on her offer, following her first to her husband’s work and then to her home. They fed us dinner, played games with my children, and it was in their home that I gathered my children and told them the news of their dad’s death.  

The next morning, I went into the kitchen and Julie and her husband Sam were standing there. They asked me how I slept and I told them I hadn’t slept at all. They figured that was what I would say and Julie said, “I am driving you home today.” She drove me 9 hours home, got a return ticket from my local airport and went back home. Because of her, I was able to sit in the back of the car with my children who needed to cry and be held. I had time to sit and think about the upcoming days without the pressure of trying to drive. 

As we approach the 5 year anniversary of the day Jordan died, I can’t help but feel overwhelming gratitude once again for my sweet angel friend Julie and what she meant to us that day. I am so grateful she was inspired to stop- it made ALL the difference for me and my kids. In the months that followed his death, on particularly hard days I could say to my kids “This may be hard but we know God loves us because he sent us Julie.” 

I will always love my friend Julie. I don’t think she will ever fully understand the significance of her kindness that day. We still stay in touch, and we have even visited them in their home again under happier circumstances. 

My message to you, my friends, is this:

Even in the lowest of your lowest days, God is aware of you. He knows you, He sees you. Sometimes it can seem like He is hiding but I promise He is there, and He loves you. His love is without condition- it is a given. Keep going, keep pushing forward. There are good things, and really good people ahead. 

Photo: Sam and Julie