How People SHOULD Be

Most of us, through movies, tv, the homes we grew up in, or other social conditioning think people should behave a certain way. Our husbands should be helpful, say gushy wonderful things, and have good-paying jobs. Wives should cook good food, be loving, soft-spoken and kind, and should be adoring mothers. Kids should be obedient, respectful, and grow up to have good jobs, and call home once a week. The problem with all of these expectations is that when the expectations aren't met, we end up disappointed, believing something went wrong.

Have you ever purchased a new appliance and looked through the manual? It tells us what the appliance can do, and warns us of what we should not do if we want to keep it in good repair. We often have manuals for the people in our lives too. Sometimes a big fat one. We think they should do certain things (and not do other things), and if they don't they must be broken! 

I am so guilty of this and am learning to throw out the manual. I have noticed I even have a manual for myself! A good mother should...and good wife should....on and on it can go. I have had manuals for what marriage should look like, how my husband should respond to things I say and do, and certainly manuals for my kids and what they should and should not do. 

Do you have manuals for the people in your life? What would happen if you threw it out? I'll tell you what I have noticed as I practice this. The more I let go of what I think SHOULD be and instead look for what IS, I notice things that I could not even see before because I was so concerned with the things I thought were missing. For example, my husband is sometimes not the most verbal person when it comes to communicating his feelings. I have fretted and stewed over this but when I let him just be who he IS, guess what happens? I notice that while he might not say certain things, he DOES many, many things that communicate his feelings. He is his own wonderful self, just as he is. He doesn't need to change for me to feel loved. I can let go of that manual and just enjoy being married to him. 

What about children? Does this mean we should have no expectations of them? No! It means we allow them to be who they are, teach them and guide them, hold them accountable, but without all the drama of thinking they should be different. Why is it a problem to think someone should be different than they are? Because they ARE what they are. They ARE making the choices they are making. So no complaining, whining or yelling will change anything. Instead, throw out that manual and observe how the people in your life actually operate. What if there is a whole hidden world in there you could not see before because all you were doing was reading that manual and not looking up at what is actually in front of you?

It is so liberating to think we can toss out what society tells us things "should" be and just allow relationships to naturally grow and unfold without forced expectations and requirements. What relationships do you think could benefit from tossing out the manual? How do you think those relationships could change if you were able to accept those you love as exactly who they are, today? I am so much happier as I lean more and more into this concept and toss the manual out the window. Try it out. Experiment with it and see what you learn about those you love. You may be surprised! 

Boundaries and Ultimatums

In my coaching practice, I work mainly with women who are dealing with infidelity, abuse or addiction in their marriages. Some of them are no longer married, some of them are. One of the things I teach my clients is the difference between setting a healthy boundary and giving an ultimatum. It may not seem like much of a difference, but I assure you there is a big difference between the two. 

An ultimatum comes from a place of trying to control the actions of someone else for you to be okay. With an ultimatum, you are telling someone that they had better ______ or _______. For example, they had better stop drinking, or you will send them to rehab. Or they had better stop viewing porn or you will make them go to a therapist. Or even something as simple as saying to your mother-in-law, "You had better not come over without asking first or we will lock you out." 

When you set a boundary, you are owning all of it. They are allowed to do whatever they want, but you make it clear what you will do when they do the things they do. It comes from a very different place than an ultimatum. Boundaries are like wrapping a big, comfortable hug around yourself where you know and honor the importance of keeping yourself safe, whereas an ultimatum is stepping out of your own comfortable hug and pushing into another's space. They don't HAVE to change one single bit- you simply make it clear how you will respond to it. It's like this: "I love you so much, and want things to work out between us, but if you choose to continue drinking, I will not stay at the house. I will leave." Another example is, "We love you and love spending time with you, but we want to know when company is coming over. If you want to come, we ask that you call first, and if you do not call, we will not open the door." 

Boundaries are generally hard for people to set, mainly because we are used to trying to "fix" other people, but have a harder time really speaking up for ourselves and taking full responsibility for our own actions. The truth is that we show ourselves AND the other person love and respect by setting a boundary. The kicker is that if you set a boundary, you HAVE to follow through with what you said you will do. It most likely will be tested, much like a child will test the limits in what they can get away with. Hold that line. Honor yourself, and you teach others how to honor you. 

What about setting boundaries for ourselves? My coach, Brooke Castillo, set a boundary for herself of never, ever talking negatively to herself about her body. Not ever. She learned over years of self-abuse that nothing good ever came from berating herself for how her body looked. I have set a similar boundary for myself about not stooping into self-loathing. No more. Not ever. I have taken myself to some pretty ugly places by how I have judged and critiqued myself over the years. When I find myself slipping back into old, negative patterns, I catch it and lovingly lead myself out of it. It is not appropriate to speak to myself that way. 

When boundaries are set from a loving place, whether it be between yourself and someone else, or just between yourself alone, they are very powerful and can really change how you feel about yourself. Showing up for yourself is the most powerful thing you can do. Why? Because you are telling the truth. You are honoring how you want to show up. You are honoring what is acceptable and what is not for you, and you are not demanding that anyone else change for you feel better. 

What boundaries do you need to set? What are you allowing that might need a gentle, loving boundary? What would you like to never do again in regards to how you treat yourself? I promise you will grow in leaps and bounds as an individual when you get good at telling the truth, and nothing but positive growth will come when it truly is from a loving, kind place. 

Would you like more help creating healthy boundaries for yourself? Set up a free session with me at: http://calendly.com/andreagilescoaching

The Blame Game And Why It's A Problem

Today I want to write about blame and why it's a problem. As a culture, we are constantly looking for someone to blame our troubles on. It was our parents' fault. It was that one rotten teacher I had in third grade. It was the rotten husband. Or the lousy boss. Or the dog. The list of people or things to blame is endless. 

I like this quote by Teddy Roosevelt because it reminds us where true responsibility lies...squarely with us. This used to really bother me. I used to think this principle implied I had brought into my life some of the hardships I experienced in my first marriage and that it was my fault he made many of the choices he made. That seemed totally unfair, but that's really what I thought this concept meant. To me, this is what it really means: Sometimes circumstances happen in our life that are just part of being alive. Our spouses can lie. Our kids can make choices we don't love. We can lose our job. Someone we love can even die. While we are not responsible for these things, we are 100% responsible for how we respond to them. It may sound cliche', but we can become better or we can become bitter. 

How many people do you know who feel life dealt them a bad hand and are pretty miserable? While they may not have chosen some of the events that have happened in their lives, they may be behaving in a way in response to these things that drives others away from them. They may act angry and bitter which could prevent them from intimate relationships. They may be difficult employees because they believe someone owes them something. And they can continue in the lie that's it's all someone else's fault. 

The closer we can really look at ALL our actions and what they are creating for us, the more we can go back and see what thoughts are driving all of it. Someone who is grateful despite hardships shows up in the world in a much different way than someone who is bitter. When we peel back the layers into our own behavior and truly decide to own all of it, true freedom is found. We no longer have to be at the mercy of anyone else's actions. We get to own our own. And the magical thing is that once we really own all of, showing up in the world exactly how we want to out of a choice to be our best selves, our circumstances often change. 

Where are you holding yourself back by blaming others? Can you crack the door open just a peep and look to see where you are contributing to your own struggles? That is where you will find your freedom. Once you see it, you can decide to change it. You get to decide exactly who you want to be, regardless of anyone or anything else. So amazing! So stop kicking yourself in the behind, and use those same feet to move yourself out of blame and into freedom! 

Can Anybody See Me?

Last summer my husband and I took our kids to a family reunion in California. The day before the reunion, we spent a day in San Francisco doing some sight-seeing. We had a 15 passenger van to haul us and the 9 of our 11 kids that were with us, and after a visit to Alcatraz, the kids ran off in a big herd to the place they thought we had parked the van. My husband and I chuckled as we knew they were going the wrong way. We got to the van with our two youngest with us, and watched as the kids realized they had missed the street, came circling back, and piled in. My husband asked if everyone was there, they said yes, and off we went to our next destination. 

In another area of town, we were standing in line to get ice cream when someone asked, "Where is Matthew?" I knew immediately we had left my then 12 year old son in the other area of town. We all piled back in the van and drove as fast as we could back to where we had been. One kid started to cry because she was worried about her brother, and my husband got mad at the kids for saying they were all there when they weren't (although really- that was on us not to count!). I felt so sick inside. I was completely silent that long drive back, praying with all my heart that my boy would be okay. 

When we got to the area we had come from, we pulled over on the side of the street and one group of our older kids got out to start looking. We kept driving around the block to try to find a proper parking spot and while still driving, I spotted him standing in the middle of an open grassy place looking very forlorn. I couldn't get out of the van fast enough. As soon as I could, I ran over to him and hugged him so tight. I apologized and told him it was an accident and made sure he knew we thought he was with us. His eyes were puffy and red- he had clearly been crying. 

After everyone's nerves settled and we were all back in the van and driving again, Matthew said, "First I started crying as bait. I thought if I cried, someone would see me, ask me what was wrong and let me borrow their phone. But then when no one stopped, I really started to cry because I was scared." 

Now to the point of this post...no one saw him. If they did, no one stopped. No one noticed a crying 12 year old boy was all by himself. It wasn't the fact that he couldn't find us that he got scared and cried, it was when no one stopped. No one paid him any attention at all. Aren't we all like this? We can feel totally lost but when someone sees us, acknowledges our pain, and lets us know they care, it sure can go a long way towards feeling safe, even in our pain. Like Mathew alone in San Francisco that day, it can be very scary and dangerous to suffer alone. 

So how can we all help each other out? Just pay attention and speak up. Notice. Look around. Don't assume someone else is taking care of it, or that they want to be left alone. If they want to be left alone, they will tell you. Our fears can become so much louder when there is no one to hear us express what our fears are. No, sharing does not always take them away, but it can help to know we are seen and valued. 

One of my favorite, most sacred parts of being a life coach is seeing the look on my clients' faces when they know I see them. I hear them. And even better, when they can see that relief is in sight. It's magical. We can all offer that kind of loving acknowledgment to others just by slowing down, noticing, speaking up and expressing love. One of my favorite speakers/authors, Brene Brown, said this recently: "My mom taught me to never look away from people's pain. The lesson was simple: Don't look away. Don't look down. Don't pretend not to see hurt. Even when the pain is overwhelming. And when you're in pain, find the people who can look you in the eye. We need to know we're not alone- especially when we're hurting." 

I am so grateful my son was okay that day. We can laugh about it now because nothing tragic happened and we were reunited. But I do wish someone would have stopped, let them use their phone and waited with him. It would have brought me as his mother, and mostly him, so much comfort. BE that person that stops. BE that person that sees. 

Is Worrying Useful?

As long as I can remember, I've been a worrier. What if? What then? As an adult, my biggest subject  of worry has been my kids. Will they be ok? What does it mean if they are struggling? My dad always said this to me: "Andrea, worrying is like riding a rocking horse. You can ride it and ride it and it won't take you anywhere." Oh, so true. As a recovering worrier, I ask- is worrying useful? Ever?

In general, worrying keeps you stuck in thoughts that are direction-less. They aren't really problem-solving thoughts- they are just thoughts that keep your brain spinning in a loop. A good question to ask when you are worrying about something is, "Will continuing to think about this solve the problem?" If the answer is no, put it aside. Trust the process of things working out. 

When we step out of worry and into problem-solving mode, we are interested in finding solutions rather than simply beating to death concerns we feel helpless to solve. As I am writing this, I am sitting at an airport in Baltimore. I have a layover in Denver, and then fly to  Great Falls where a big snow storm is supposed to hit before we land. The old me would want to know that we will make the connection ok, and that we'll get home safely (today!!). The new, "less-worried" version of myself isn't worried at all. It is 100% out of my control so why worry about it? If we get stuck in Denver, so be it. Not a big deal. It relieves so much mental strain to just let go of things that we cannot help. 

This weekend is my daughter's senior prom. Her dress was supposed to be shipped two weeks ago but we found out a few days ago it never got shipped and now it's too late. Prom is in 3 days and she has no dress. And I'm really not worried. We'll find a dress. We'll figure it out. I am not going to waste an ounce of energy being mad at the company, wondering if she'll not go to prom because she has nothing to wear...I know we will figure something out and she will look beautiful.  Why waist energy being negative about it when that will accomplish absolutely nothing toward getting her a dress to wear? The only thing that will help is actually finding a dress. We're working on it! 

The Savior himself had a few things to teach about worry. In Matthew 6:7, He says, "Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit (18 inches) unto his stature?" He understood (of course!) that we would be inclined to worry and warned us to avoid it. Really, worrying is the opposite of having faith. Faith says, "It will work out." Worry says, "How??!!" Faith says, "It's all happening for a reason." Worry says, "How can this possibly be okay?" 

I would be lying if I said I am completely cured from worrying, but as I dig deeper into thought work and shifting my thinking patterns, the more I am releasing the need to worry. It has proven to be completely useless, and often very harmful for me. It can get me so worked up into an anxious tizzy and brings no solutions. 

If you are a worrier, next time you find yourself worrying, check in with yourself and make sure you like your reason for worrying. If you don't, put your adult, "This will work out" hat on, and trust that it really will be ok. Things work out. Worry just prolongs and adds to problems. It never solves them. I love what Mark Twain had to say about worry, "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe." Don't waste one more ounce of precious brain space worrying!

Julie's Side of The Story

A few days ago I shared the story of the day I found out my first husband passed away and the angel that showed up to help me. With Julie's permission, I am sharing what happened that day from her perspective. We both pray someone can feel loved and uplifted by the reminder that none of us are alone here. Here is Julie's story:

Andrea asked that I share my story. What is it that touches so many readers each time that our story is shared? I believe it is because we are spiritual beings who recognize the power of God’s love. It is our spirit remembering that we are children of God and realizing the power that comes from His love for us, desiring it in our lives and wanting to share that love with others.

It is not because I am so wonderful; nor do I desire attention drawn to me. So before I tell my story, let me start off with saying that I am just an ordinary person. I am your mother, your daughter and your sister. I am your neighbor and friend; I am you. I am the woman who doubts herself at times yet never doubts. I am the woman who is fearful, but is also courageous. I am shy and inarticulate but who speaks boldly at times. I am a woman who experiences joy and sadness; I am one who has a wonderful marriage and one who has gone to counseling because there were times of struggle. I am the woman who has given birth to beautiful babies and lost a sweet angel in miscarriage. I am one who loves life and the brightness of day and yet has felt the struggles of depression and anxiety with the darkness that comes with it. I am mortal born with an eternal spirit. I am ordinary.

This story actually began years ago when I was on the receiving end of someone’s kindness. Living where I do also means we get to do a lot of travelling to get anywhere. Most of my travel takes me between my home and Salt Lake City and on one trip I was travelling with my six children and had car troubles while crossing the salt flats. I remember praying that someone might stop and help us. I also remember being concerned in this day and age about whom that someone might be so I prayed again that the right person would stop and help us. Not too long after, a man stopped and helped us get the broken rear door open so that we could get the spare tire out and change the flat. We arranged to meet in Wendover at a tire shop and he took my flat tire ahead to get it repaired. When I arrived in Wendover, the man had actually bought two new tires for us.  That really meant a lot to me that someone would not only stop and help, but go the extra mile. He saw a need and he acted on it. 

From that time on, I decided that I would try to be aware of people who needed my help. I also recognized that sometimes stopping and helping is not always the right thing for safety reasons so I always made it a matter of prayer. Whenever I see that someone is pulled over up ahead I say a prayer that if this person needs my help that I will know. As I drive by I observe the situation. Many times I have seen people just pulled over to talk on their cell phone, or there is someone already stopped and helping or it’s a man who is already changing a flat tire. In these cases, there’s not been prompting to act. 

Once while I was making another trip back from Salt Lake, I saw a van pulled over and as my habit, I said a little prayer that if I should stop, I would know. As I drove by I was observing and listening for direction. I saw a woman on her cell phone clearly distraught. I didn’t even question it, but acted on the prompting that I should stop and instantly pulled over to ask if there was anything I could do. She told me she had just received news that the father of her six kids who were in the car had been killed in an accident.  I told her that if she were up to it, she could follow me to Elko where my husband was working, and he could give her a blessing.  I called Sam ahead of time to know what to expect and when we arrived he and a friend were able to give her a blessing. Her children didn’t want to get out of the car. They didn’t know what was going on and were very insecure. I offered to take her to our home if she wanted so that she could figure out what to do and she decided that would be best. She needed to make some more phone calls so I went to the car to try and help the kids feel more comfortable. I said another quick little prayer to ask the Lord to help me know how else to help the children. The thought instantly came to my mind that they would feel more comfortable knowing that I was a member of the church.  I asked them, “Are you members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?” and they all said, “Yes”.  I then told them that Heavenly Father had told me to stop and help their mom and that we would be taking them to our home and that they didn’t need to worry about that because Heavenly Father was watching over them. It was an amazing transformation. It was like we became their family. The 5 year old twin who had a broken leg went into Sam’s arms and there was an instant connection. The six kids ranging in ages from 15-5 got out of the car and started eating the popsicles that Sam had run to the store to pick up for them once he knew they were coming.  

 

When we got to our home the kids felt right at home and started playing with our family while their mom informed more people about what was going on. Finally, Andrea gathered her children and told them the terrible news. Later as they came up from the basement they seemed to appreciate being able to distract themselves with their new friends. By now it was late in the afternoon and they had a long drive ahead of them so I offered for them to spend the night. I made us all dinner and enjoyed just being together. That night I talked to Sam about the possibility of me helping her get the rest of the way home and we both agreed that if Andrea needed my help that I could do that. In the morning, I asked Andrea how she slept. She hadn’t slept at all and was still worried about making the drive so I told her that I would drive her and her family home. So we all loaded up and headed to San Jose. Andrea really appreciated it as well as her family and friends because they were so worried about her. When we got to San Jose, she dropped me off at the airport for my flight to Salt Lake City and drove home where the Relief Society had dinner waiting for them. It was very clear to me that the Lord had a hand in all of it and loved this family so much he made sure they were taken care of. 

 

I have thought a lot about this experience through the years.  I was asked numerous times about how I knew to stop. As I really considered this question, I realized that over the years I had developed a pattern. I would pray, observe, listen and then act on promptings I received. Sometimes I would act on promptings and there wouldn’t be any immediate or obvious blessings by having done so, but many times as on this occasion, I saw how the Holy Ghost was directing me.

 

All of us can use the simple pattern I used on that drive home from Salt Lake City every day. We can pray for guidance to know who needs our help. It doesn’t need to be large and heroic deeds, but simple acts of kindness and service. In this experience it is was the simple acts of following a prompting, offering reassurance and a priesthood blessing, popsicles for the kids, giving the girls stuffed animals, playing calming music on the piano, playing games, offering our friendship and love and thinking of ways to go the extra mile that made the difference. We can observe. Making observations will help us decide how we can help. It is so easy to get caught up in our busy lives, rushing here and there that we neglect to be thoughtful of those around us. We can listen. Listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost and then act on those promptings. It truly does make a difference in people’s lives.

 “Along your pathway of life you will observe that you are not the only traveler. There are others who need your help. There are feet to steady, hands to grasp, minds to encourage, hearts to inspire and souls to save.”  - Thomas S. Monson

 

I feel that I was the one who was truly blessed by this experience. It strengthened my testimony of a Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and their love for me personally. That love has helped me through some difficult times in my own life as I reflect on His love for me personally. Extraordinary people have been placed in my path who have blessed my life when I needed it. 

 

We are all ordinary in an extraordinary way! It is with God’s immense love that it is possible!!

Thank you, Julie for sharing with all of us! I love you! 

More On Feelings and What We Do With Them

I shared in a blog a couple of weeks ago some things about where feelings come from, and the importance of allowing them. Today I want to dive into what most of us do with feelings in hopes that it can help my readers identify within themselves what their go-to responses are. Awareness is HUGE! We can't really change anything in our lives until we are aware of what we are doing!! 

First things first- let me reiterate that feelings come from a thought. But sometimes the thought is so fast before an emotional response that we don't even know what the thought was. Also, thoughts that are believed for a long time become subconscious. They are just there and our brains recognize them as facts rather than simply optional thoughts. 

So let's say someone says something to you that brings up a thought like, "What is wrong with them!!??" You will most likely respond in one of three ways unless you are pretty good at processing feelings. 

1) Reacting. This looks like throwing things, yelling, blaming, stomping, hitting, screaming, etc. You get the idea. Your mind is trying to tell you it is completely someone else's fault that you are mad. 

2) Resisting. This looks like pushing away from the emotion. Imagine a blown up beach ball and trying to shove it under water. The more you push, the harder it will become to get that ball under the water. Or imagine trying with all your might to keep a door shut to an emotion you do not want to let in. 

3) Avoiding. This looks like numbing out the emotion. Rather than giving any attention at all to the emotion, you would eat, smoke, drink, gamble, play video games, or watch endless hours of Netflix. Anything to just not deal with it or actually feel it. 

While we all experience all of these responses at various times, we can have some we do more than others. Me? I can be a reactor. I'm really working on it. There is an alternative though-something we can do that actually allows the emotion to be felt and processed so it can move on. I imagine it like a rain cloud that comes in, need to allow some rain, lightens and moves on. No harm, right? We can allow the feeling to stay- identity the feeling, find where it is in your body, be curious about what thought created it, and it will lift. 

The better we get at allowing feelings and just sitting in them, the better we will get at feeling any emotion. Be the watcher of your thoughts. Be the watcher of your feelings. What are your predominant feelings? This gives you a big clue into what your driving, predominant thoughts are. What is your go-to response to feelings? 

I continue to do this work right along with my clients. Just like any new skill, it needs to be practiced until it becomes automatic to just feel your feelings. Just keep at it and you'll find yourself in a whole new emotional state, just by seeing what is going on and allowing whatever comes up. It is so powerful. 

The Phantom and Compassion

When I was a sophomore in high school, I got to travel to Portland, Oregon with the theater students and see the musical, “The Phantom of the Opera” for the first time. I was in the nose-bleed section but I could have been in the front row and would not have loved it more. It was the most amazing, beautiful thing I had seen up to that point in my life and the story haunted me. I went home and read the original novel by Gaston Leroux at least twice. I read every other book I could find with various interpretations of the Phantom and his life.

Two nights ago I got to take my two senior daughters to see it on Broadway in New York as we are here for a school trip. Even though it was my 4th time seeing it, I will never grow tired of it. The music, the set, the story. Gets me every time. I was so delighted that they both loved it. 

When you think about it, the Phantom is pretty creepy. He seduces and confuses young Christine, wreaks havoc at the opera house, and even kills people in his attempt to get what he wants. But the real reason I love the play is because of the other side we see of him- his humanity. His tender heart, his desire to be loved, his pain at being loathed his entire life. 

Even though this is just a fictional story, something I firmly believe about people is that when we get the whole story of why people are the way they are, we can show a whole lot more compassion to them. In this example of the Phantom, he sings to Christine these words, “This face which earned a mother’s fear and loathing, a mask, my first unfeeling scrap of clothing.” He was treated with disgust from the day he was born. He wanted love and approval, just like the rest of us. 

You could say the Phantom was abusing Christine. Certainly he was manipulating her. Feeling compassion and understanding are one thing, allowing the manipulation is another. Ultimately Christine left him and went on to live a seemingly happy life with another man. The thing with having compassion though is it allows us to forgive and love, even if we cannot stay in a relationship because it would be unhealthy to do so. 

It may be a little cheesy to write a whole post about a fictional story, but it has always been special to me. I love hearing the stories of those that aren't often heard. I try to be a person that listens to those not many will listen to. I think we can learn a lot from the "outcasts" of society. There are always, always two sides to every story, and I believe anyone can change, especially when loved. 

Whether you are a Phantom fan or not, if there is someone difficult in your life, maybe get curious about them. Why might they act the way they do? What might it feel like to be them and live the way they do? Curiosity can lead to empathy, and empathy can lead to kindness. And being treated with kindness can change someone's life, and most of all, it can change yours.  

A Lesson From Babies

Have you ever witnessed the miracle of watching a child learn to walk?  They start out completely weak and helpless- they can’t hold their head up, can’t feed themselves at all and depend on parents for every need. Then within a year or so they are off the ground and walking. Amazing!!

Here’s the thing about babies that I find remarkable. They can fall down a thousand times, get banged and bruised but know they are meant for greater things than crawling. So they keep trying until they walk. Imagine a baby thinking, “Nah, I don’t feel like walking. It’s too hard. I’ll stick to crawling.” The idea is ridiculous!

What if we treated our goals like babies treat walking? The focus would not be on how hard it is, or how long it might take. It would just be a given that one way or another, the job will get done and you will walk. We tend to get so caught up in what we make things mean if they don’t work exactly how we think they should. When we can go into something expecting to make mistakes and to sometimes miss the mark, “failing” feels a whole lot less painful.

If there is something you really really want, as much as a baby wants to walk, go all in on yourself. Falling and getting bruised means nothing unless you give it meaning. They are simply bumps on the path to success. If you don’t give up, you WILL learn to walk (or whatever is is you so desire!!). Figure out what you want most, make a game plan of how you will accomplish it, and start practicing. You’ll get there!

The Day I Met Julie

I want to share a story that is personal but one that I hope brings comfort to anyone who needs it today. Many of you have likely heard this story but it’s one worth sharing again. 

Nearly five years ago, I was driving my 6 children from Utah where we had been visiting back to California where we lived. It was a 13 hour drive and we were 4 hours into the drive. An unknown number kept calling from San Jose- I had ignored it several times but finally decided to pick up the phone. After saying hello, the woman on the other end delivered news that one can never really prepare for: my husband of 16 years and father of my 6 kids had been killed in a car accident that morning. Although we had been divorced for 7 months at the time of his death, it was still a heartbreaking shock. 

I was in the middle of the desert with absolutely no sign of civilization in sight. I pulled over to the side of the road, got out of the car and stood on the side of the freeway in disbelief. I kept the lady on the phone, asking for any information she could give me. 

I remember so distinctly what I was thinking in that moment. I saw my 6 babies in the car, knowing that their life had been changed forever, even if they did not yet know. I felt despair, fear and shock. Despair at literally being alone in the desert, 9 hours from home. Fear at seeing my kids in the car and wondering how I could possibly be 100% responsible for them- how would we be ok? Shock and sadness at the thought that I would never see him again in this life. 

As I was standing on the side of the freeway trying to wrap my head around what I had been told, a car pulled over. A woman got out of the car, walked right up to my face and said, “I am here, for whatever you need, I am here.” I told her what I had just learned and she immediately offered for me to follow her to her husband’s work where I could make phone calls, and her husband could give me a special blessing for strength and comfort. She had no idea who I was or what my religious beliefs were but her offer immediately brought me comfort. She then offered for me to come to her home and stay for as long as I needed. 

It is hard to articulate in words what her presence and offer meant to me. It was everything. If God himself were standing in front of me, I believe this is what He would have said: “Andrea, I know what is happening right now. I know this is hard, but you will be ok. Get back in the car and keep going.” I KNEW in that moment that we were being looked out for. I knew we would be ok. 

I took her up on her offer, following her first to her husband’s work and then to her home. They fed us dinner, played games with my children, and it was in their home that I gathered my children and told them the news of their dad’s death.  

The next morning, I went into the kitchen and Julie and her husband Sam were standing there. They asked me how I slept and I told them I hadn’t slept at all. They figured that was what I would say and Julie said, “I am driving you home today.” She drove me 9 hours home, got a return ticket from my local airport and went back home. Because of her, I was able to sit in the back of the car with my children who needed to cry and be held. I had time to sit and think about the upcoming days without the pressure of trying to drive. 

As we approach the 5 year anniversary of the day Jordan died, I can’t help but feel overwhelming gratitude once again for my sweet angel friend Julie and what she meant to us that day. I am so grateful she was inspired to stop- it made ALL the difference for me and my kids. In the months that followed his death, on particularly hard days I could say to my kids “This may be hard but we know God loves us because he sent us Julie.” 

I will always love my friend Julie. I don’t think she will ever fully understand the significance of her kindness that day. We still stay in touch, and we have even visited them in their home again under happier circumstances. 

My message to you, my friends, is this:

Even in the lowest of your lowest days, God is aware of you. He knows you, He sees you. Sometimes it can seem like He is hiding but I promise He is there, and He loves you. His love is without condition- it is a given. Keep going, keep pushing forward. There are good things, and really good people ahead. 

Photo: Sam and Julie 

Why Choose Discomfort on Purpose?

I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately. I think it probably means different things to different people, but to me, it means that anything that is worth having involves some risk and discomfort in the getting of it. That is the price we pay.

Where I have felt this the most is in marriage, starting a new career and creating my own business, and being willing to do really hard things, especially when I don't know the outcome.

When I got married for the second time,  I had gone through lots of therapy to try to understand all that went down in my first marriage. But in many ways, my brain was still the same as it was before. I was a new bride, ready to dive into my new life when out of the blue I started having panicked, racing thoughts about something bad happening. I started looking for trouble. Was I missing something? Could I really let my guard down and be happy? I learned that the greatest gift I could give myself and my new husband was the gift of allowing myself to trust. Oh, this was very uncomfortable. It was terrifying, in fact. What if I were to be blind sighted again? In allowing the uncomfortable feelings and even saying, "What if something DID happen? You could handle it," I gave myself the freedom to love my husband the way I wanted to. I still have days when I'll get scared but it is much less frequent. And our marriage is that much greater because of it.

Go after your dreams. Be willing to be vulnerable. Trust the process. Trust yourself to grow and rise up to the next stage of your life. Show up for yourself. It may be (and most likely will be) uncomfortable, but in my opinion it's a whole lot more uncomfortable to sit in your misery and pain waiting for things to happen! If you are going to be uncomfortable anyway, why not go after your dreams, whatever they may be? Go get it. 

The Person You Always Were

In 1501, Michelangelo began the work of carving his masterpiece, David. He began with a vision in mind, knowing ultimately what he wanted to create. At the beginning though, all he had to work with was a single slab of marble and his tools. It seems it would be overwhelming, looking at the hard work ahead of him and it certainly would have been easy to give up. Did you know David is nearly 17 feet tall? It took Michelangelo 3 years to complete.

A fact I find fascinating is that Michelangelo believed the people he carved were already inside- he just needed to set them free. Throughout his life he began many sculpting projects which were never quite completed before his death. He was still pleased with his work though as he felt he was getting them closer to their own freedom.

I believe people are like that. Each of us in a masterpiece. Remember how in school as a kid you were told you were special and that no two people are alike? It sounds so cliche, right? But it is true. Never in all of creation has there been another you, not in the billions of people who have walked this earth. We get one shot at this mortal existence, and I believe we came into this world with potential far beyond what we could possibly imagine.

So what if as we do the work of growing, progressing, learning, and changing, we aren’t actually becoming a new version of ourselves- we are just chipping away the slabs of marble to show the world who we really ARE? Standing in our own masterpiece?

As I have applied the tools I teach in my coaching practice to myself, I have noticed a few things. I apologize less for being me. I speak what I actually feel far more often. I like myself. I appreciate the things I bring to this world. I take offense less easily. I offer love more freely. I feel less afraid. I am more courageous. I am more willing to be wrong and admit my (many) imperfections. I am more satisfied in general with life. I like the me that is showing up under all that marble. She was there all along- I have just had to find her (and this is my life-long work…it is never quite finished here in mortality).

We all come to this earth innocent, perfect and pure. As we experience life and some of its hardships, the layers begin to form- the layers of thought errors, false beliefs, others’ opinions of how we should be, and then the gap we feel between where we are and where we want to be. How awesome is it that we can chip away at those layers?! Expose them. See them in full light and decide if we want to keep them around or not.

I promise you are a masterpiece. Done. It’s already in you. Your job is to go find it. You are already beautiful, just as you are. Go find your David.

When Life Goes Full Circle

Sometimes I marvel at my life and all I have experienced in my 41 years. From the very beginning of my life, it was game on. I was born 6 weeks early, and two days after I was born my dad, a pilot, crashed a small plane in the mountains of Montana and died. He left behind my mom, older sister and older brother. My mom felt her best support system was in California where they had lived prior to Montana. (They were both born and raised in Montana however), so when I was 3 months old we moved to California.

Two years later my mom got remarried to a guy who seemed great on paper but ended up being quite abusive. My mother left that marriage after 3 years, and two years later was married again to a man with two daughters from a previous marriage. They wanted a fresh start, so we moved to Oregon. In Oregon my two little brothers were born, and we did the hard work of blending a family. It was rough for several years. Kids not wanting to be around each other, parents learning to be step-parents, and all of us really craving love and support after the hard years we had already experienced.

Included in my childhood were the years spent with no electricity or running water, several moves, and learning how to work hard on the property my parents bought. 

When my now husband first contacted me (confession- we met online!),  I saw that he was from Montana and instantly felt at least somewhat comfortable talking with him since Montana holds a special place in my heart. We dated for just over two years before deciding to marry. We both had some heartache and grief to work through before we felt ready to jump into a new life together. We decided it would be best for me to move my own 6 children to Montana, and our new life began. 

Although blending families is no joke, I feel I have been prepared for the life I now have since birth. Having been a step-daughter, I know how I want to treat all of my step-children and have a pretty good sense of what they need. Having lost a parent, I can relate in some ways to all 11 of my children who have all lost a parent. I never had the traditional "father, mother, daughter, son" type family. 

And I am back in Montana. This part just makes me laugh. I came back to right where I started even though I was only here for 3 months after I was born. I live across the street from a wonderful man who graduated high school with my dad- they went all the way from kindergarten to graduation together (a great story for another day how we discovered this fun fact). 

It's taken quite a bit of "life" to be where I am at. But you know what? I am grateful for ALL of it. I have so many rich, meaningful experiences to draw on. I have a great relationship with my step-dad (who I have always called Dad). And now I have 5 more wonderful children to love on and a husband I adore, living in the state where it all started for me. 

Why share this story? When we are right in the thick of hard things, it can be difficult to see WHY. Sometimes trials seem downright cruel. But what if all the trials are way bigger than us? What if the very event of my dad dying when I was a baby pushed me right into the life I needed to become who I am? Don't get me wrong- I miss my dad. I have no memory of him and I miss him. I love him and know he has watched over me my whole life. But I would not have the relationships I do with all the wonderful people in my life- all of my siblings both step, full and half, my wonderful step-dad and his entire family- if his death did not occur. I would not have the understanding of the complexity of family relationships without all of the experience early on in life. 

Life is a series of events that can sometimes seem pointless. We give them meaning when we can allow them to serve us. How can your trials be a blessing for you? What if it was intended all along that you experienced every single thing you have? What if you are much stronger than you think, and are being trusted with some hard things for a greater purpose? I believe this. What if someone is needing YOU because of your unique experiences to help them along on their journey? 

Some questions to ask yourself (and answer!) are:

How was that perfect for me? 

How were my parents the exact parents I needed? 

How have I grown from that experience? 

Who have I become because of that experience? 

How is this working for me? 

If you look, deeper meaning is found in trials. It is where we are stretched, pushed, and shaped. It is where we are born. 

Photo: My Dad, Tom Clavin, age 18 

Kids And Their Feelings

A few months ago my nine year old daughter woke up crying in the middle of the night. She had had a bad dream and was in a full-on panic about it. I brought her into my bed, laid next to her and held her close hoping she would go back to sleep. She would not be settled. She was crying uncontrollably but couldn't tell me what the dream was about- she just knew she was really scared.

After listening to her cry for some time, I carried her back into her room and rather than trying to fix her fear for her, I started asking her questions. I said, "What does it feel like to be afraid? Where do you feel it in your body? Does it have a color?" And then the miracle happened. She answered the questions and immediately fell asleep. It was like she finally could see that she actually was not in danger- she just felt a scary feeling. Once she could tell me all about the feeling, it disarmed it for her and she was able to sleep.

This taught me so much. I teach this principle to my clients and practice it myself but to witness it in this way showed me how powerful it is to get to know our feelings. At first I was trying to change her feelings from that of fear to comfort, but it wasn't until she recognized that it was just a feeling that she able to calm down.

Many times as parents we try to make things better for our kids through external things like an ice-cream cone when they have had a hard day, a popsicle for falling and getting a scraped knee, or a cookie for putting up with a bully. While these things aren't necessarily bad, what could be more powerful for them would be letting them feel the fullness of their own emotions. Show them they can handle it and that it won't last forever. Sitting with them and asking questions about it can help bring awareness to what it is they are feeling so they can learn this skill on their own.

As adults we are often afraid of our own emotions so what do we do? We eat, we binge watch TV shows, we do drugs, we drink alcohol, we view porn...anything to avoid the discomfort of sitting in our own emotions. The thing is, our emotions can't swallow us like a black hole. We WILL come out of them. Going INTO them is how we come out of them.

Try this with your kids (and yourself too!!!). There is real strength and power in being willing to face, head on, some of the strong emotions we feel in this life.

The Myth of Confidence

Have you ever heard it said that people are just born with confidence? That implies that some people are not. Some people do seem to have more social skills, ability to make friends, natural talent like music or sports, or leadership skills. These do not equal confidence though. So let's break down confidence and what it really means.

My coach taught me this about confidence: Confidence is the willingness to feel any emotion. When we understand that our emotions come from our thoughts, this means being willing to think things that feel scary ON PURPOSE. It means stepping into the fire because we know we can handle the burn.

Confidence does NOT mean always feeling good about yourself, never feeling embarrassment or shame, never feeling fear, or always knowing how to handle yourself. Many people think that "confident" people must just feel so good inside all the time. SO NOT TRUE! Confident people feel the full swing of emotions, but they are willing to. They allow it. There is not a single emotion they aren't willing to feel.

Here are some examples:

Willingness to risk getting hurt by choosing to love someone
Willingness to apply for that job you know you are under qualified for
Willingness to try out for the play, knowing you may not get the part and even if you do get the part, people may judge you
Willingness to publicly fall on your face by doing webinars to teach something you love
Willingness to share your talent of singing in front of more than just the car or shower
Willingness to be kind to the person no one talks to
Willingness to say NO when the comfortable (but not what you are actually wanting) thing to do would be to say YES
Willingness to walk away from gossip and be judged for it
Willingness to talk about your feelings to others
Willingness to stand alone when others disagree with you
Willingness to make big changes when you don't know how they will work out
Willingness to let people celebrate YOU and all you do
Willingness to feel joy without wondering if you are missing something

It's pretty easy to feel confident when you are sitting on your couch reading self-help books about positive affirmations. It's a whole new game when you actually expose yourself to the world and show who you really are. This scares most people right back to the couch.

So how is confidence built? Are you really just born with it? Nope. Like a muscle, it is developed and built, one uncomfortable emotion at a time. Choose something deliberately that makes you really uncomfortable. Do the thing. It may as simple as making a phone call you don't want to make. Just step into the discomfort and do it. As you do it, remember that feelings are just vibrations in your body and can't actually hurt you. When you get on the other side of that uncomfortable thing, confidence muscle is built. Your brain will remember that you did something that scared you and you didn't die. Do this enough times and you will become much more willing to take risks, to make a fool out of yourself, to be judged, and even to be unliked. THIS is confidence.

The Truth About Life's Circumstances

One of the most important things I teach my clients is the difference between thoughts and circumstances. When trying to go through the work of changing thoughts, this knowledge makes ALL the difference.

Circumstances are factual; they have to be so true that they could be proven in court. Everyone in the world would agree on it. Some examples of this are the weather, numbers on a scale, actual words someone said or someone's age.

Thoughts are what we think about the circumstances. We could think, "Ugh, I'm so fat" after stepping on the scale. Or, "It's 78 degrees- it'll be a great day!"

Why is this so important to understand? I'm going to give a couple of scenarios to illustrate the importance of understanding the difference between the two.

Example #1: A woman's husband does not text her back after she asks him when he will be home. This is a neutral circumstance but here are some thought options she could have. "Why does he ignore me? He does not make me a priority." or "I hope he's ok- it's not like him to not respond." or "I  wonder how his day has been?" or "He's probably sneaking around somewhere and doesn't want to tell me."

ALL of these thoughts would give very different results. Some would lead her to feeling curious about her husband, some accusing, some resentful. All about the same exact (NEUTRAL!!) circumstance.

Example #2: Your child is completely failing in school. All F's. Neutral. Letters on a report card. Possible thoughts: "I must be the worst parent ever for him to be failing." or "I wonder what's going on is his life that is making him feel like not trying." or "Sure seems like this is the experience he is supposed to have right now. I wonder what he is needing to learn?" or "He has the worst teachers ever! They do not appreciate how smart he is." Can you see how every one of those thoughts would lead to various results? Again, all are thoughts about the same neutral circumstance.

When we are conditioned to think something is factual, it can really get in the way of our progress. If someone is told from an early age they are lazy, how do you think they are going to show up in their life? In their mind it is just a given- a circumstance that they have no control over. But when we can identify the thoughts that we are buying into as circumstances, we can make a conscious choice to choose something different. Isn't that liberating?

Question your own thinking. What are you thinking is factual about yourself that may just be a thought? What circumstances are you creating drama in your life from? It's all optional. You don't have to. You get to think whatever you want!

What Are YOU Believing?

I came across a quote recently that I have been thinking about a lot. It said,

"To each there comes in their lifetime a special moment when they are figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered a chance to do a very special thing, unique to them and fitted to their talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds them unprepared or unqualified for that which could have been their finest hour." -Sir Winston Churchill

For the past year I have been studying, learning, pushing myself and preparing my mind to have my own coaching practice. I told my husband last night that the ONLY thing that stands between where I am now and a large, thriving practice where I am helping thousands of people is my brain. That is it. Let me explain.

To own a business, one needs to learn organization, good bookkeeping, stress management, time management, new tech skills, and of course the owner needs to be an expert in whatever it is they are selling. This has been a HUGE learning curve for me and I am just getting started! My brain wants to tell me I am not organized enough. I can find plenty of evidence for that. My brain wants to sell me a story that I don't know how to manage my time well, and that other people can learn tech stuff so easily but I can't. When I lend an ear to these beliefs, my mind goes to work finding a lifetime of evidence why I probably should not do this big uncomfortable thing. My mind wants to say, "Listen here, Andrea. You have 11 kids. You have church responsibilities. You might be neglecting the family if you do this. You might fail. It's too hard. You already have so much on your plate."

But I go back to belief...not only what I believe about the past, but what I believe about the future. I have felt that proverbial "tap" on the shoulder, and if there are areas I feel unqualified for, I learn the things, and I nurture the belief that I AM qualified. I let my mind start scanning for evidence, which it  finds. Our brains are very resourceful and when we give them a job to do, they do it thoroughly. If it's a new thought, our brains will offer some resistance. But when we are consistent in redirecting to what we actually WANT to believe, it'll work hard to find data to back itself up.

Sometimes I feel unprepared. What then? The easy thing to do would be to turn away like a dog with my tail between my legs and quit. I can't do that though. I would be quitting on myself and that is not an option. So to help me get more prepared, I have hired some experts. I have an expert who helps me with bookkeeping. I hired the best sales coach in the coaching industry to teach me to get over myself and help people. I even hired a health coach so I can get my body working at its best capacity- clear minded, full of energy, and in the right-sized body that allows me to do all I am capable of.

ALL of this is uncomfortable. I am creating new beliefs with not a whole lot of evidence to back it up. I have never owned a business before. I have never been a Life Coach before. I can't go back to past successes in these areas to help me feel better about the present. I have to create the evidence by looking to my future. I am believing I am right where I need to be, and that the things I need to learn to reach my goals will be available to me right when I need them. I am believing I am becoming the person I need to be to pull this all off.

My friends, what do you WANT to believe about yourself? What tap on the shoulder are you ignoring? Stop buying into the old stories about why you can't and get to work. I believe that every single one of us on earth has greatness within and something to give to the world. We just have to get out of our own way. As we take steps forward toward our new beliefs, we gain traction. If you want to become a great runner, you can think it all day long but where the belief switches over to hard evidence is when you actually lay down the miles and BECOME a great runner. You become great at your job when you answer the question "What does someone who is great at their job do?" From there, follow that up with DOING whatever your answer is. And guess what, you'll become great at your job!

Our thoughts truly create every result we have in our life. There is no result that did not first come from a thought. So I ask again- what do you want to believe? Think it. Practice it. Create new evidence to back up the belief. Become the expert. Become your best organized self, or healthiest self, or wealthiest self, or whatever it is that your heart desires. It truly is yours for the taking, simply by managing your mind.




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It's ALL Working FOR You

When I was 15, I got asked to stay for two weeks with a girl who had severe autism. Her parents went on vacation out of the state and I was with her 24/7 without a break. The sweet girl I cared for was technically older than me but had the brain capacity of a toddler and the body of a ten year old. She was severely afraid of water, could not talk, and could not readily express emotion. It was a challenging two weeks. Imagine poop smeared on walls, struggles to get her to shower, and not being able to communicate.

One night after I got her to bed I found a CD and turned it on. The song that stood out to me and that I played over and over was, "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands." If you don't know it, it's an old American spiritual. The particular version I listened to was a robust, lively version and helped me not feel so lonely. Not your typical music for a 15 year old, but it really brought me peace and comfort to think of someone much bigger than me holding me and keeping me safe.

Fast forward to now. I currently have 8 children living at home and 3 that are moved out. In May, 6 of the kids at home will be teenagers- you can imagine the amount of food we go through, the loads of laundry washed each day, and the hormones that are a'raging! Last week I couldn't sleep and was feeling particularly heavy-hearted concerning some of the struggles my kids are facing. Nothing ever gets solved in the middle of the night (for me anyway) but I just could not shut my brain down.

Although it was well over 20 years ago, my mind brought me back to when I was 15 and how that song brought me comfort. I remembered the words, and imagined God holding His big, mighty hands open with me and each of my precious children in them. This thought finally helped me drift off to sleep.

Whether you believe in God or not, this same principle can be applied to the Universe or whatever "bigger than you" force you believe in. Some thoughts to practice around this are, "It's all working for me," "This is happening for me," "The universe is constantly conspiring in my favor," or simply, "God is in control." These same thoughts can help when thinking of your children too. Try on, "This is happening for them," or, "This is exactly what they need."

The great news is we don't have to have it all figured out. But we can let things unfold while trusting that it's all working for all of our good. All of it. Even the stuff that hurts. Leaning into that trust and away from fear has helped settle me many times. I am grateful for the peaceful reminder that night that truly, "He's got the whole world in His hands."

What The Heck Is A Life Coach??

I get this question a lot? I tell people I am a Certified Life Coach, and I'll either get a, "Oh that's cool...what is that?" Often people will wonder if it's the same as therapy, or it's it holding you accountable each week, or if it's all about positive affirmations. Nope.

Just like any profession, there are a wide variety of curriculums taught to become a Life Coach. The particular type of coaching I chose (because its teachings have impacted me so deeply) is called Causal Coaching taught through The Life Coach School. If someone were to break their arm, they could get prescribed large amounts of pain meds to ease the pain of the break, but until it gets set properly, it will not heal properly. It is the same with our thoughts. If we don't go to the source of our pain and suffering, we can learn and practice all kinds of coping mechanisms which may offer temporary relief but aren't really addressing what is CAUSING all the pain in the first place- our thoughts. I help my clients find the break in the arm. I show them the thought that is causing the pain, and if they choose, help them move out of that thought and into new ones that get them the result they want.

Put a different way, pretend my clients are reading their own mind like they would the label on a jar, except they are stuck inside the jar.  I stand on the outside of the jar and give them the clear picture of what is on the label. I hold a mirror to their brain so they can see the thoughts that are running their lives. We are so conditioned with thoughts from an early age that we grow up thinking of things as absolute facts which are actually just someone's thoughts. Once I help my clients recognize that, they take back all their power and choose the thoughts that serve them best.

I got trained by the best of the best. Brooke Castillo (founder and owner of The Life Coach School), Jody Moore, Katie Pulsifer, and Molly Claire. All of these fierce women are movers and shakers in the industry and expect excellence from us as Coaches trained through Brooke's program. We all strive to work hard to be the best versions of ourselves so we can offer the very best to our clients. I love what I do so very much and love how it keeps me on my toes to continue to stretch myself.

If you have never considered working with a life coach, now is the time. Mental health is becoming increasingly important as we move into a new time in history that is so fast paced. Our brains need to keep up with the ride, and evolve to meet the demands now placed on us as humans. As a Life Coach I teach tools in time management, over-eating, processing emotions, setting goals, healing relationships, and self-confidence (just to name a few!).

And there you have it. That is what a Life Coach is. We meet you where you are and help guide you to where you want to go. There is nothing quite as satisfying as seeing the look on a client's face when they realize for the first time that they can drop the painful story they have been carrying around for years. It is freedom! I am so grateful I get to do this every day. I have the best job in the world.

Photos:  1)Brooke Castillo and August Class of 2018 The Life Coach School (I'm in there somewhere!).                               
              2) Myself and my two small-group instructors, Jody Moore and Katie Pulsifer 

How Old Are You (Emotionally That Is)?

As children, we rely on our parents (or other adults) to feed us, love us, teach us, and provide shelter for us. We are completely reliant on the adults in our lives for our needs. We grow up, move out of the house, and learn to provide those things for ourselves. For most adults however, there is one thing missing: emotional adulthood.

Did you ever get told "You hurt his feelings? or  "I'm so sorry she hurt your feelings?" I still have to catch myself when I want to say that to my kids. We are conditioned at a young age to think we are capable of hurting other people, or making others feel loved, or any other emotions they may feel. This thinking keeps us in emotional childhood.

The truth is, no one can hurt your feelings. No one can make you sad, mad, hurt, angry, or even happy. It is our own interpretation of others' words and actions that create an emotional response within us.

Often, when we are not taking responsibility for our emotions, our actions mirror this. We can act  like emotional children in what we eat, (I deserve to eat this whole pint of ice cream), in relationships, (my husband is responsible for making me feel loved), and even with our children (they need to get good grades, never get in trouble, and look neatly groomed for me to feel like a good parent).

A personal example of this for me was when I got remarried almost 3 years ago. Although I was in a totally different marriage than the first time around, I still responded at times to my new husband with old "victimhood" thinking. I carried some trust issues into the marriage, and sometimes responded to him in ways that were clearly related to my first marriage and had absolutely nothing to do with him. I wanted to blame my first husband for the current troubles I was having in my new marriage. Although it was a hard pill to swallow, I learned that I needed to own all of it. My first husband is no longer living, so there is no way he can possibly do anything I could interpret as trying to hurt me. Owning it gave me back my control. I, and I alone, was responsible for resolving in my own heart and mind things that were still causing me pain, and it was totally unfair to place that at the feet of my current husband. It took me out of the victim seat and into one of authority, control, and peace.

Would you ever give a 2 year old scissors and let them run around the house? Our emotions, unsupervised, are basically like doing just that. It's letting our thoughts run wild, and then blaming others when things don't work the way we want them to. Although it takes some practice and some work, it's so much more empowering to know that we get to decide who we want to be in any circumstance. In other words, we get to be grown-ups.




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