The Myth of Confidence

Have you ever heard it said that people are just born with confidence? That implies that some people are not. Some people do seem to have more social skills, ability to make friends, natural talent like music or sports, or leadership skills. These do not equal confidence though. So let's break down confidence and what it really means.

My coach taught me this about confidence: Confidence is the willingness to feel any emotion. When we understand that our emotions come from our thoughts, this means being willing to think things that feel scary ON PURPOSE. It means stepping into the fire because we know we can handle the burn.

Confidence does NOT mean always feeling good about yourself, never feeling embarrassment or shame, never feeling fear, or always knowing how to handle yourself. Many people think that "confident" people must just feel so good inside all the time. SO NOT TRUE! Confident people feel the full swing of emotions, but they are willing to. They allow it. There is not a single emotion they aren't willing to feel.

Here are some examples:

Willingness to risk getting hurt by choosing to love someone
Willingness to apply for that job you know you are under qualified for
Willingness to try out for the play, knowing you may not get the part and even if you do get the part, people may judge you
Willingness to publicly fall on your face by doing webinars to teach something you love
Willingness to share your talent of singing in front of more than just the car or shower
Willingness to be kind to the person no one talks to
Willingness to say NO when the comfortable (but not what you are actually wanting) thing to do would be to say YES
Willingness to walk away from gossip and be judged for it
Willingness to talk about your feelings to others
Willingness to stand alone when others disagree with you
Willingness to make big changes when you don't know how they will work out
Willingness to let people celebrate YOU and all you do
Willingness to feel joy without wondering if you are missing something

It's pretty easy to feel confident when you are sitting on your couch reading self-help books about positive affirmations. It's a whole new game when you actually expose yourself to the world and show who you really are. This scares most people right back to the couch.

So how is confidence built? Are you really just born with it? Nope. Like a muscle, it is developed and built, one uncomfortable emotion at a time. Choose something deliberately that makes you really uncomfortable. Do the thing. It may as simple as making a phone call you don't want to make. Just step into the discomfort and do it. As you do it, remember that feelings are just vibrations in your body and can't actually hurt you. When you get on the other side of that uncomfortable thing, confidence muscle is built. Your brain will remember that you did something that scared you and you didn't die. Do this enough times and you will become much more willing to take risks, to make a fool out of yourself, to be judged, and even to be unliked. THIS is confidence.