How Old Are You (Emotionally That Is)?

As children, we rely on our parents (or other adults) to feed us, love us, teach us, and provide shelter for us. We are completely reliant on the adults in our lives for our needs. We grow up, move out of the house, and learn to provide those things for ourselves. For most adults however, there is one thing missing: emotional adulthood.

Did you ever get told "You hurt his feelings? or  "I'm so sorry she hurt your feelings?" I still have to catch myself when I want to say that to my kids. We are conditioned at a young age to think we are capable of hurting other people, or making others feel loved, or any other emotions they may feel. This thinking keeps us in emotional childhood.

The truth is, no one can hurt your feelings. No one can make you sad, mad, hurt, angry, or even happy. It is our own interpretation of others' words and actions that create an emotional response within us.

Often, when we are not taking responsibility for our emotions, our actions mirror this. We can act  like emotional children in what we eat, (I deserve to eat this whole pint of ice cream), in relationships, (my husband is responsible for making me feel loved), and even with our children (they need to get good grades, never get in trouble, and look neatly groomed for me to feel like a good parent).

A personal example of this for me was when I got remarried almost 3 years ago. Although I was in a totally different marriage than the first time around, I still responded at times to my new husband with old "victimhood" thinking. I carried some trust issues into the marriage, and sometimes responded to him in ways that were clearly related to my first marriage and had absolutely nothing to do with him. I wanted to blame my first husband for the current troubles I was having in my new marriage. Although it was a hard pill to swallow, I learned that I needed to own all of it. My first husband is no longer living, so there is no way he can possibly do anything I could interpret as trying to hurt me. Owning it gave me back my control. I, and I alone, was responsible for resolving in my own heart and mind things that were still causing me pain, and it was totally unfair to place that at the feet of my current husband. It took me out of the victim seat and into one of authority, control, and peace.

Would you ever give a 2 year old scissors and let them run around the house? Our emotions, unsupervised, are basically like doing just that. It's letting our thoughts run wild, and then blaming others when things don't work the way we want them to. Although it takes some practice and some work, it's so much more empowering to know that we get to decide who we want to be in any circumstance. In other words, we get to be grown-ups.




Do you need help learning how to implement emotions adulthood? I can help! Book a free mini-session with to learn what is possible for you.
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